It was only our third session, but "Anne" and I seemed to be connecting well. She was thrilled to finally have time for advice as she had three boys and a husband who had traveled a lot as a mother at home. Over time, Anne relaxed and felt more comfortable as she read about some of her painful experiences in the past. She began to tell that one of the most challenging times in her life was her husband and husband's struggle for conception.
Once the words were out of her mouth, however, I could almost see her wrestle to get her back in. She stumbled to recover, but seemed to be saying that she had no right to complain about her parenting journey because "at least" they could have had children. When my thoughts started to process what was happening, I realized: she saw my website.
Anne was one of my first customers after I opened a small private practice. After I left my previous clinical position and switched to consultant training, I had created a website where I published blogs and links to online articles that I had written, listing topics related to them, links to videos and radio and Podcast interviews were provided and information was exchanged on my books. Anyone who looked through my website and read about me would find out that part of my trip had been through infertility.
There was always a risk that students would search my name on the Internet and come across my website, but I was willing to take this risk because I felt called to reach out to the entire community when it came to topics that included mainly related to the subject of mental well-being. On the way I told a little about my story.
When I opened my counseling center, I put the information about my practice on my website, but I couldn't think of customers checking the website and bringing what they found to the meetings. I knew that I would never be "friends" with customers on social media and would not look for my customers on the Internet, and I included this information in my consent form. But Anne's reaction to her own vulnerability made it clear to me that my self-disclosure online had a negative impact on the advice center and could also affect future customers.
Shortly after my interaction with Anne, I consulted with another advisor about the next steps. I didn't want to close my website or stop talking and writing, but I also didn't want to create an environment where my customers worried about me so that they filtered out what they said so as not to hurt me (based on their opinion) own ideas about what would hurt me that is). The advisor I spoke to had a suggestion: split my website into two, one being a personal website and the other a practice website.
I have seen numerous shortcomings in this solution. First, I couldn't manage (or hire someone) two websites because my private practice was very small. Second, a customer could still easily find my personal website by doing a simple internet search. (After all, the name "Laurel Shaler" is not common.) I thought there had to be another option to address this dilemma. I began to realize that I could take various measures to mitigate the impact that reading my website could have on my customers, but at the same time there were certain things that I could not control. The same applies to all of us who reveal themselves online.
For example, I cannot control a customer who searches for my information online. Since I have a public presence on the internet with my public social media accounts, trading books and blogs / articles, customers are likely to come across information about me that goes beyond the scope of my private practice. I have to agree to maintain both an online presence and a clinical practice. My clients must also be aware of the advantages and disadvantages of learning more about me on the Internet.
What really matters is the same factor that affects every relationship between counselor and client: the therapeutic relationship. If my customer and I can create security and trust, as well as reasonable boundaries and communicate effectively, we will most likely be able to work through everything that can arise from self-disclosure on the Internet.
Through a self-monitoring process, I realized that Anne may have identified too much with me. In other words, just as she might not want to hurt a friend's feelings, neither did she want to hurt my feelings. She assumed that sharing her trip, which led to biological children, would upset me because I had had a journey through infertility that had not produced biological children. Although I did not directly address the topic at the time, the message could have sounded like this if it had a second chance:
Anne: I shouldn't complain because I know that not everyone can have children, and I'm really happy and happy and blessed to have children even though I've been through infertility. I know it's not the worst thing in the world and others have a much harder time than we do. I shouldn't have said anything about it.
Laurel: Although you are grateful that your infertility journey ended with the birth of children, you have had difficulty experiencing it. Can you help me understand why you think you shouldn't say anything about your infertility?
Anne: Well, to be honest, I read about your infertility journey on your website and I'm very sorry for what you've been through. I don't want to compare my story with yours, especially since I could have children and you couldn't.
Laurel: Your sensitivity to me says a lot about who you are as a caring and compassionate person. At the same time, I want this to be a safe place where you can speak openly about your entire story. I want to encourage you not to hold anything back because of me. Feel free to read what I write – considering what you read may affect your view of me or our advisory relationship.
Anne: Yes, I like what you write, but I did not want to offend or annoy you.
Laurel: Thank you, Anne. I don't think I'll be offended or upset. However, if I am, this is my own problem that I need to clarify with a consultant or supervisor. It would not be your fault. Are you open to exploring the issues of infertility and the turbulence that have led to your life and marriage?
Anne : Yes, because it really messed me up for a while and my relationship with my husband.
Laurel: OK, please start wherever you want.
Anne: It all started …
Obviously, this fictional dialogue could go in many different directions. This is a good guess as to how the conversation might have developed based on the relationship I had with the client at the time.
In reality, we were able to continue our therapeutic relationship, although I was a little nervous internally and didn't deal directly with the client who found out about me online. Anne visited me regularly for about six months before she and her husband decided to seek marriage counseling. At this point, she had to interrupt the individual consultation.
My personal knowledge from this experience was twofold:
1) Consultants need to think carefully and carefully about how an online presence can impact their consulting practice and the clients they serve. Consultants need to decide whether the two are compatible and whether they can still be effective consultants. Is there any controversial content that can make a customer feel uncomfortable with the advisor? Is the advisor something of a "celebrity" that makes clients a little bit impressed by the stars and worried about disappointing the advisor? Numerous aspects of self-disclosure on the Internet must be taken into account. In addition, the counselors must decide how to deal with the two or more hats they are wearing. For example, consultants must decide whether they want to have two separate websites or a website that contains both a personal / commercial page and a consulting practice page.
2) If consultants have an online presence, this should be addressed early in the advisory relationship. This can be part of a written consent form, along with other information about the advisor who is not looking for customers online, does not accept or send friendship requests on social media, etc. It can also be done orally in a session where advisors discuss their online presence and discuss how the customer's review of the consultant's Internet information can affect the consulting environment. Consultants need to be aware that the disclosure of their online presence is in itself a self-disclosure. As with any self-disclosure, this should therefore only be regulated for the benefit of the client.
There is absolutely a way to advise both online and successfully. Many consultants have done it so wonderfully. My personal experience taught me a valuable lesson on how these two can work together rather than against each other. Anne, like all clients, deserved to have an authentic counselor with whom she could be truly transparent without filtering for information she knew about the counselor.
Although I believe that knowing less about the advisor can be beneficial for clients, I am well aware that many clients in our Internet-driven and instant knowledge society do so much before, during, and after want to learn about us as possible. Protecting yourself from potential problems that could result may be helpful for customers. Since my online presence is going nowhere, this is a constantly evolving process that I have to pursue in the interest of my customers.
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Laurel Shaler is a licensed professional consultant, a state-certified consultant and a licensed social worker. She is an associate professor in the Department of Counseling Education and Family Research at Liberty University. Contact them through their website drlaurelshaler.com.
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