"Simple life does not solve all my problems, but only eliminates distractions." ~ Melissa Camara Wilkins
Sometimes I felt that my phone was my only access to the outside world. A place to connect in the middle of the night. The means to stay in touch with friends and family across the world. It was a lifeline.
Until it was not.
Improved sleep, less stress and an attentive relationship with technology – they were at the top of my wellness list.
I'm not sure what bothered me more, the actual stress, not having a mindful relationship with the technology, or the fact that I could not have a mindful relationship with my smartphone.
There was a cycle in my head that I simply could not stop. And I fought. All tips and current trends on "Digital Detox" have not made my life easier. In fact, they made it a lot harder.
When I was unable to follow advice on my health, I felt like a failure, especially because it is related to my mental health. Did that mean I did not care about my well-being? Was I a scammer?
My phone interfered with my sleep and worsened my fear. But all I needed was a small change to break my bad habits and build a new, mindful relationship with technology.
Where it all began
I grew up as a self-proclaimed night owl. As a child and a young adult, I stayed awake and read for a long time. I studied at the university until late at night.
As I got older, falling asleep was always a struggle. I decided that I was a night man and would use that time to stay one step ahead of my to-do list for the next day. I thought the more I finished the night before, the easier the next day would be.
When my first child was born, I was introduced to the late-night social media scroll. I fed the baby in the middle of the night and tried not to fall asleep in my chair. And it turned out that there was something that kept me awake and entertaining, but did not bother my son: the blue screen of my phone. I knew it was not ideal, but it worked.
Even after the end of the nocturnal feeding, the screen kept me awake. I would go to bed to read a downloaded book or article on my phone. It was so convenient to have everything in one place!
But a notification would inevitably distract me. An email. Or an update on social media. A message from my parents.
To this day, I'm ashamed to admit that I was guilty of not turning off email notifications of my work, even though I was on maternity leave!
What's funny in hindsight is that those notifications annoyed me at the time. It bothered me that I still got business emails. But I did not turn it off.
I wondered who would send me a message in the middle of the night. I checked, knowing that it was probably someone else's time zone, and did not expect me to check my messages until morning. But I looked anyway.
I often could not sleep. When I remembered the advice to "get up and do something else" when sleep did not come, I thought I had found a solution: I could take a break to try to sleep without leaving my bed By using the infinite options available on my phone. Is conveniently located next to my bed and loads up.
And there I would be hours later. Still awake, exhausted and unable to fall asleep.
I had to make a change
I knew I had to change something. The demands to work and have small children began to affect my health. I was tired and did not get the sleep I needed.
I decided that I would remove it from my room if my phone kept me busy, and I was pretty sure that was the case. The influencers and thought leaders recommended that! At least that's how it seemed to me, when I researched the subject in bed late on my mobile!
The irony is not lost to me.
My mistake was to follow the Influencer Advice
The first night I failed. My son woke up and I searched for the time, but my phone was not next to my bed. I came across different things when I tried to get to his room in the dark because my flashlight was an app on my phone. Meanwhile, my son woke my daughter.
Include several curse words that my children probably did not need to hear.
When I both fell asleep again, I was very alert, attentive and a bit annoyed. Mostly with me. What did I think? Why did I try to follow this ridiculous internet advice?
And then I turned on myself.
Why could not I follow this ridiculous internet advice? If it worked for everyone else, why could not I do it? Was I just generally not grown up?
When I went back to bed, I was worried.
Would I wake up with my phone alert in the other room? What if I did not wake up to get everyone where he needed to be on time in the morning? Would I hear my alarm from the other room? Wait, the alarm clock is not working, the phone is off!
Logically, I knew that I was a bit silly. I would get used to having my phone in another room.
But I was tired. And poor in time. And so frustrated. I wanted simplicity, and that made my life more complicated.
Why did I have so much resistance?
If you're reading this, you might think, "You just could …" And yes, you're right. I could have done different things differently. I could have made it work if I had my phone in another room overnight.
But here's the thing: To be able to make changes, I had to start making my situation easier and not complicate. Sustainable change was what I was looking for.
The first step could not be too big or too heavy. I made the usual mistake of jumping from one extreme to the other. When I am tired and my goal is to be less tired, the first step must help.
If the barriers are too big, if it's just too heavy, there will be too much resistance. Then I will probably not stick to it.
There was a second reason why I did not like switching off my phone and being in a different room at night: we have no landline, which is quite common here in Australia. My family lives abroad. I want them to reach me. If necessary in crazy hours.
A solution that they can not do that will not help me sleep. Not at all.
At the same time, I agree with the arguments to let digital devices out of the bedroom. And I felt that the phone interfered with my ability to fall asleep. Was there an alternative?
Sometimes "best practice" does not mean that it fits in with every person's lifestyle. It should not. A healthy lifestyle is about finding the right fit and sticking to it.
I had to find an alternative. And I did it.
Focus on the desired result, not on the popular steps to get there.
Instead of focusing on the rule or the advice, I decided to be realistic. Forget what the influencers said!
What was really my problem? It was not about the phone. What did I want to achieve? Less stress and more energy, which meant I needed to sleep better. And less distractions and interference from digital devices. Including my cellphone.
Against this background, the rules did not play such a big role. Rules that put me in a successful / defensive posture.
Focusing on the result or goal, I did not have to get into the rules. For example, where exactly the phone had to be. Instead, I could address the changes I needed to get where I wanted to be.
To get there, I had to change my habits and the nightly use of my phone. To sleep better.
When I thought about it, everything became much easier.
The change that worked was the one I could commit to
Instead of turning my phone off or putting it in another room, I did something else. I turned it into a phone every night. A telephone without internet access! And a blue light filter set to a timer that is now built into many mobile devices.
Every night at 8:00 pm, no matter where I was or what I did, my screen went into night mode to reduce blue light interference.
I considered switching my phone to flight mode. And if this is an option for others, I can only recommend it. Airplane mode provides access to many common features.
However, there is a danger that the communication will be completely blocked. That did not work for me, so I made an adjustment. Instead of the flight mode, I turned off the WiFi and data instead. A two-click solution.
And it worked.
For me, I find the best solutions if I'm realistic about where I am. If the barriers are too big, there probably will not be any change, even if they are perceived as barriers. And even if it does, it probably will not stay.
What can I do instead? Concentrate on the goal. Create a series of changes to the barrier that lead to this goal. For me, this is the answer to sustainable lifestyle changes.
The first step improved my sleep, the second was for my sanity
Every morning I wait an hour after waking up before reconnecting my digital devices. I will not turn on Wi-Fi or data for at least an hour. Every morning.
When I put my original habit into practice, I realized that I forgot to turn the data and Wi-Fi back on for a few days. These mornings were wonderful! I was more present with my children and had much less stress with what I had on my to-do list.
And when I restored the connection, it was my choice. The notifications started to roll and it did not bother me. E-mails have not overwhelmed me. I stopped being a victim of "Compareitis" while scrolling on social media. My phone has stopped affecting my mood.
At first I did not understand the context.
But on the days when I woke up and immediately rejoined, it was the opposite. I was flooded with notifications. I usually checked them. It was overwhelming and I was barely awake. It stressed me even before I got up, and it set the tone for my whole day.
It was hard for me to accept, but my mood was influenced by notifications and what I saw on social media. That bothered me because I felt better. As if I only knew that it could be a negative influence, I could have gotten over it.
Why is my morning habit important?
First of all I am much less resilient in the morning. I tend to react emotionally to what I see, hear and read. And my early morning decisions can determine my attitude and mood for the rest of the day.
Basically, my mood was determined by everything that first appeared in my social media feed. Or whatever was up in my inbox. By turning immediately to technology, I transferred control of my mood to my phone.
Delaying my digital start to the day, I realized that I was more attentive. And completely under control – what I did first, what I saw and how I reacted. I had taken control of my thinking and how to approach the day. I have stopped allowing my mood to be determined by what first appeared on my phone.
The Lesson I Learned Was Simple But Powerful
There are three key actions that help me better understand my relationship with my phone and my digital technology.
Actually, I do not want to just throw my smartphone away. This makes my life easier and I can spend more time doing things that are important. But only if I balance my relationship so that it suits me and my lifestyle.
Although I'm not always able to do them all, these are still my goals. Not only has this strategy improved my sleep, it has also improved my mood and mindset.
My Three Most Important Tips for a More Mindful Relationship to Your Phone
At night, disconnect your phone from the Internet by using flight mode or turning off Wi-Fi and data.
Keep your phone disconnected from the Internet for at least one hour in the morning.
Disconnect regularly during the day if you want to be present and mindful of participating in an activity.
The biggest thing I've learned is to care less about the tools and rules, more about what works for me. The best changes are the ones you can stick to, as they are the only ones that become habits. As soon as something becomes a habit, not many thoughts are required to continue. There are many different ways to achieve the same result. Find yours and follow her.
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