So many people dream of fame, fortune, fast cars and fancy houses. For such a long time I have dreamed of freedom – freedom to be my full, true self without judgment, shame, or ridicule.
So who am I, you ask? I am a 33 year old mental health counselor (and former teacher) who also has a mental illness. I have Bipolar II, and for as long as I can remember I've had to hide a part of myself because so much of society stigmatizes, judges, and condemns those who have mental illness.
It's not that I have to wear a sign around my neck that says “Bipolar II right here” and that is announced to every stranger I meet, but I want to live in a world in which I can If that was my choice, I could do so without being judged or ashamed in the dark. I imagine that many discriminated parties understand where I come from and maybe even say, "At least you can hide it." But that's just – I'm tired of hiding. I've spent my life living in the shadows and playing a role that the world can accept.
Many people in my life are aware of my condition and accept me – for all of me. I am very grateful for the support I received, but it is no longer enough. I want, I ask for more! I want to be able to go to work and say I have Bipolar II and not that the room goes silent with fear or incomprehension. I don't want a bad day just because I'm human and having bad days in a whisper of "is she manic?" Transform. or "Is she depressed?"
Throughout my working life, I have kept my condition to myself for fear of persecution, for fear that my judgment will be called into question because of my condition. In all these years I have never put a student at risk (as a consultant I am also assigned to a school) because I am fully aware of my illness and treat it like any other illness. On days when I'm in a depressive or manic episode and don't feel good enough to do my job, I take a sick day, just like anyone with a different illness would have to do.
People with mental illness can thrive if they receive adequate care and treatment management. In fact, there are many that thrive over the centuries, though less available for treatment than they are in the 21st century. Beethoven, Michelangelo, and Abraham Lincoln (to name a few) reportedly had mental illnesses and achieved amazing history-changing feats. Then why is there still such a stigma about mental disorders?
Admittedly, it's better today. In the 1800s, people even suspected of hysteria (mostly women) were locked away. In the 21st century, we have many people openly speaking about mental disorders and various organizations (the National Alliance for Mental Illness, the Alliance for Depression and Bipolar Support, the county mental health authorities, the substance abuse and mental health authority etc.) who work tirelessly to support people with mental illness and their loved ones. Even what I do as an intervention therapist wasn't even heard of in the 1990s and early 2000s when I was in school.
My beginnings
When I started my journey at the age of 12, nobody knew how to help me. I was described as a "freak" by students and adults alike in my school. My parents tried to help and went to every doctor they could think of to find out why I happened to pass out. It wasn't until years later that I was told I had a conversion disorder (the system converts mental symptoms into physical symptoms), and it wasn't until I was 23 that a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar II. And I was 29 years old before I received adequate treatment that really changed my life.
Ironically, it was not a professional who discovered my miracle treatment. As a consulting doctoral student, I wrote an article on electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Now, on the occasion of my four year anniversary that I received ECT, I am in a new place in my treatment.
I am now a psychiatrist myself and experience lengths of stability that I was previously unfamiliar with. Even when I have an episode, they are much shorter and less severe than ever. Most importantly, I love who I am and I am damn proud of myself. At this point I want more – not for myself, but for the mental health world. I use my newly discovered stability and my luck to ask: "How can I make a difference?"
I realize how lucky I am to have found a treatment plan and team that have helped me become the best version of myself, but I want the same for anyone with mental illness, and I want to without prejudices. As good as I am, I still can't go to work, sit at lunch and talk about my bipolar having a difficult week because of a medication change. Well I could, but the consequences would be costly. For those who doubt my claim and say there are laws against it, let's be honest. Yes, there are laws against discrimination and bias on paper. This does not mean, however, that cases of discrimination and bias no longer occur on a daily basis against every “protected” group.
The fact is that in America, if you are not the "norm", there are many who try to remove your rights as a citizen, as a person, as a human being. This can no longer be the case and mental health must join the ascending movements. Those of us who live with mental illness must claim our right not to be judged and not to be considered less than ALL of us. It is true that we need help, but no one goes through life without needing help. With proper treatment and active participation in that treatment, there is no reason why we cannot thrive.
Recognition and progress
I've rarely said that out loud. Only a few have heard what I will now willingly publish. I think it's partly because of my bipolar that I'm so creative. There is something that I really believe comes from my condition that allows me to think at the speed that I am thinking and writing as I envision my final product (this has, in pursuing the three master's Degrees and a bachelor's degree that I have certainly earned no harm). It also creates an empathy that enables me to put myself in the moment with people and to feel as they are for them.
It is true that when I was young and not understanding what seemed to be an overwhelming amount of feelings, this empathy caused me great pain. In return, I caused myself a lot of pain. But by receiving empathy from others and receiving caring treatment, I have learned to sharpen those feelings and use them in my career as a counselor. I have turned my empathy into my own "superpower" to help others who are in pain. I get no greater pleasure than the work I do as a youth counselor. First as a teacher and now as a consultant for young people in a school, I am allowed to turn everything I've been through into something really meaningful.
It is not enough here either. Change has to take place in this society, and I want – no, I have to – be part of it. Not for political reasons, but for humane reasons. I am a person who is hurt because I do not have the ability to be my full, true self. I've come to a place where I'm proud of who I am now, but I still feel like I can't go into society and share my real self – and I want to.
Nobody should have the feeling that they have to hide a part of themselves because it does not correspond to the accepted "norm". Now is the time to come together and call for change. Not just for the mental health world, but for anyone who feels they have to live in the shadows. Do not support change because of your political party, but because it is right for everyone.
<img data-attachment-id = "24864" data-permalink = "https://ct.counseling.org/2021/04/a-time-to-make-dreams-come-true/dreams/" data-orig-file = "https://ct.counseling.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/dreams.jpg" data-orig-size = "1250,833" data-comment-opens = "1 "data-image-meta =" {"aperture": "0", "credit": "", "camera": "", "caption": "", "created_timestamp": "0", "copyright": "", "focal_length": "0", "iso": "0", "shutter_speed": "0", "title": "", "Orientation": "1"} "data-image-title =" Dreams "data-image-description ="
Time-lapse photo of a flat landscape with a single tree and a starry night sky behind it
"data-medium-file =" https://ct.counseling.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/dreams-300×200.jpg "data-large-file =" https://ct.counseling.org /wp-content/uploads/2021/04/dreams-1024×682.jpg "load =" lazy "class =" aligncenter wp-image-24864 size-large "src =" https://ct.counseling.org/wp- Content / Uploads / 2021/04 / Träume-1024×682.jpg "alt =" "width =" 625 "height =" 416 "/>
Related reading: ACA Virtual Conference Experience keynote speaker Bassey Ikpi also shared her journey with Bipolar II Disorder. Read more in our coverage of her keynote address.
****
Caitlin Regan is a 33 year old living with bipolar II disorder. She was diagnosed in 2012 and has lived successfully in treatment. She receives electroconvulsive therapy and participates in cognitive behavioral therapy as a treatment plan. She is a home therapist in an adolescent addiction treatment facility. Reach out to them through their Instagram Mental Health Support: @caitlins_counseling_corner.
****
Opinions and statements in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to reflect the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
