"You become what you believe, not what you think or what you want." ~ Oprah Winfrey
What do you think? During the enforced silence of the pandemic we all live in, this is a question I have faced more intensely than ever before. In particular, I wonder what I think of myself and how that affects every element of my life.
When I came out of years of self-help because of social and general anxiety, a longstanding eating disorder and several unsatisfactory personal relationships, I had to ask myself what these external realities reflected for me. Because what you believe in not only your life, but most of all in yourself, will keep popping up, and yes, again and again, until you finally get to the root of the problem.
In my case, my lack of self-worth led to a lot of dysfunction and setbacks in my personal and professional world.
My deteriorating self-image led to my obsession with eating, a lack of self-confidence that exacerbated fears, and the low self-esteem I placed on myself was most likely written about me, measured by the way others gave me Showing disrespect in personal relationships.
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This all came to a head when COVID-19 surfaced and resulted in a global lockdown. Due to numerous negative relationship experiences, I visited a doctor and found that I had a pelvic floor condition called vaginismus, which resulted in involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles that made sexual and physical exams such as Pap smears either impossible or extremely painful.
I spent the next four months on physical therapy to heal my body from this condition and broke off a new relationship to focus on my own journey. It amazed me how mind and body go hand in hand. My muscle tension felt like a total embodiment of years in which I was closed to others and safely isolated to share my true self.
As I mentioned, before I was diagnosed with vaginismus, I had spent years healing my mental health problems and building up my professional experience.
After high school, I was lost in my career path for a solid period, making lukewarm attempts at artistic endeavors such as acting and modeling. I was never fully prepared to take the plunge and fully immerse myself in an area.
This, too, would require an attitude of my true self that would terrify me just to think about it. Not only that, it would mean I had the courage to believe that I was worth doing in a job reserved for an elite group of "special" people, a group to which I never belonged.
However, I had enough courage to move to Los Angeles, where I felt I could found a new identity. My Northern California roots felt out of date, and I was with a family trying to improve with a fresh start.
One of my first steps towards positive change was a hostess appearance in a bowling alley, which forced me to come out of my shell and be more social for a change. I still felt very confident, but the more I worked on interacting with customers and employees, the more I learned how much I loved people.
This developed further when I found a new joy that I was not expecting after taking a chance introductory course in journalism at Pasadena City College in Southern California.
I started to love writing, and not just that, my favorite element on this new career path was interviewing – something I never thought I could overcome with the severity of my social anxiety affecting me prevented me from getting involved in grocery stores at their peak
Deep down I began to believe that something else might be possible for me. Perhaps I could break out of my old way of thinking and transform myself into the person I had always felt to be inside: someone who loved people, longed for successful interpersonal relationships and completed them and was in their power without apology.
By January 2020, I had received a local job posting at my home base in Burbank and was optimistic about the future. However, after the pandemic, I had a time when I felt down while in isolation. This coupled with the vaginismus diagnosis made me quite frustrated at first.
"Why is this happening to me?" I wondered. I'd done a lot to overcome other personal problems, but now doing months of hard-working and sometimes extremely painful physical therapy felt like a punishment I didn't deserve.
After a brief observation, however, I had a real and sudden change in perspective. I just thought, "I've been through more than that in the past. I will do it." I believed I could and from that moment on I dedicated myself to healing not just physically but emotionally.
Within four months, I made enough progress to finish personal physiotherapy appointments. I started blogging and continued writing news in Burbank. In the summer I received a journalism scholarship which I added to my studies and now have just launched my own independent website for writing journalism.
The more I believed I could achieve my goals and the more I felt worthy of such things, the more I saw that everything in the universe was working for me and not against me.
Today I continue to improve my self-image and I still have a long way to go. But overall I feel healed from my previous location.
I pursue my passions, now without shame, to show and share who I really am.
I show a lot of self-respect in personal relationships and no longer tolerate bad treatment from others who do not consider my worth to be important.
My diet and exercise habits are healthier, my vaginismus treatment is complete, and while I still need to do physical therapy exercises, I am grateful for where I am in this regard and in every aspect of my life.
If you had asked me what I believe about myself and my life five years ago before all this self improvement, I would probably have said that I had a bright future ahead of me, even though my actions and interactions kept showing something other.
That's why I feel in a much more positive place in life right now.
Not only do I suggest that I believe positive things about myself, but I now show it through my actions.
I don't want any more respect, I demand it.
I no longer want to pursue my goals wholeheartedly, but now do it every day as often as I can.
And I don't just dream of expressing the truth about who I am, I embody it.
So if you too feel that you are in trouble in your life, if you feel that the world is not treating you fairly, and if you do not like what the universe is showing you, then I challenge you on to ask yourself:
What do you think? About you? Your worth? Your life? Your potential?
What do you think about what you deserve, in relationships and in your career, and what can you achieve if you try?
How do these beliefs affect how you show yourself in the world – what decisions you make, what chances you take, what things you tolerate and what habits you follow every day?
What would you do differently if you questioned your beliefs and realized that they are not facts?
And what can you do differently today in order to achieve a different result for tomorrow?
These are the questions that shape our lives because our beliefs determine our decisions that ultimately determine who we become.
About Devin Herenda
Devin Herenda is an award-winning multimedia journalist and writer from Los Angeles who has written for numerous publications including myBurbank News, Songwriting News, and Rom Com Fest. She recently expanded on Devine Spark, a website with profiles of subjects who share their passions and lessons learned from their travels. The native Californian with roots in New Jersey loves music, fashion and the opportunity to incorporate stories into journalism. You can find them here on Instagram and here on Twitter.
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