"The truth is you will never be able to please everyone, so stop trying. Remember, the sun will keep shining even if some people get over annoy the light in their eyes. You have full permission to shine. "~ Unknown
I used to be a rebel. I was the girl at the party who rolled into a room and awestruck everyone whose attention and curiosity was aroused by my presence. I felt it, they felt it, it was magnetic. I loved it – I had become the girl I wanted to be.
It was until one evening at a party when I was making a lot of popcorn in the kitchen, someone came up to me and asked: "Why do you have to prove yourself all the time?"
This question surprised me so much. I was instantly confused. I stared into space trying to figure out how I was proving myself all along. So I asked exactly how I do this.
It turned out that if someone told a story about themselves, I would share one of my own, and it got bigger and better. This person continued to tell me, "Actually, nobody likes it and there is absolutely no need to make your friends over."
Holy Moly. My blood started pumping faster through my veins, my face burned, my stomach ached at the thought of these people I called friends who didn't like me. I thought I had finally found my community of like-minded souls.
It was precisely at this moment that I made the biggest decision of my life.
It was time to crush who I was again. You see, I was in my mid twenties and finally felt free from my childhood patterns. I was confident. I had friends. I could finally be me – who I was without a filter.
You needed a toned down version of me.
So I started to hide.
I would sit in the corner or behind someone else. I wouldn't tell stories about my life adventures. I stopped dressing to impress. I apologized for stupid things and watched every move I made around these people. It was exhausting, but the fear that they wouldn't like me was crippling.
Over the years I have perfected these new behaviors so as not to be too much for the people around me. I went from having a wild, carefree soul to someone who was frightened in any social scenario.
These new patterns flowed into my work, family, relationships and friendships. I became oversensitive, reactive, and uncomfortable.
After a decade of self-punishment, I had a call from someone I had worked with and they called me because I had apologized for not doing something right despite my first attempt what they were teaching.
Then the words that flew out of my mouth were: I've done it again.
Seriously, here I was thinking I had figured it all out. I had adjusted my behaviors, beliefs, patterns, and values to get through life to please other people. This was the slap in the face I needed.
So I went on a deep soul journey in which I wrote diaries every day. I took a close look at myself and what I created in my life. I started to value friendships, my work, the people in my daily life, my family and those around me.
I had created a reality in which I was no longer happy.
My life revolved around everyone else's needs and I put them before my own. I had become so aware of people's energy, reactions, body language, and tone that I felt like I was suffocating.
And for what?
To have no friends, not to have people like me, to sacrifice my life for others.
From that moment on I made up my mind.
To do this, I had to recognize how I had previously denied myself and my feelings, so that I became aware of when I was tempted to fall into old patterns.
Let me share with you the six personality types I have lived through for a decade, how they play out in our daily life, and how I have overcome them.
The six people enjoyable personality types
The permit seeker
When I lived in approval mode, my actions were aimed at praise. I would do anything to be the best employee in my job, from working overtime to taking on additional responsibilities. I would stick to the rules when it came to my family, I would make an effort to get my friends noticed while chasing that sense of belonging.
Praise was the fuel that kept me going. It reinforced the things I was doing right.
The means of being a permit seeker is having confidence owning my values and beliefs rather than looking for external validation. I just started by questioning my motives in my actions.
If I suspected that I was doing something exclusively or mainly for the purpose of obtaining a permit, I asked myself: "Would I make this choice if I were true and fair to myself?"
The busy bee
As a busy mother of two, wife, business owner, sister, daughter and friend, there was a time when I thought I had to hold everything together for everyone around me. I was the person who organized all of the parties, Christmas dinners, birthday parties, family reunions, kids school activities, groceries, holidays and anything else you can think of.
The people around me saw me as reliable and organized and they knew that I would do any job to help. Without a fuss, of course, because I've served those I loved.
After discovering a yoga class that I was dying to attend and realizing that I had to allow time in my schedule, I started reviewing my weekly routine. I realized that I didn't always have to be everything for everyone, which was difficult to accept, since "act of service" is one of my love languages. But I knew that it was an act of kindness and love for myself to be less busy.
The Conflict Avoider
When people raise their voices or use their authority on me, I tend to break down. It looks like I am still standing there, but in my mind I am in the fetal position on the floor.
It is sometimes easy to speak up for what I believe in when I am driven by a passion for topics I love, but there are some people in my life who will turn me into a conflict avoider again in a second.
In tense situations with these people, I often observe what is going to happen and create an exit strategy. I ask myself, “What do I have to do? Who do I have to be? What do I have to say to get myself out of here? "
Now, when I realize I am doing this, I take a few breaths to ground myself before leaning into the discomfort I feel. I think about how to stay true to my values and react in a way that opens the space for discussion.
The self-sacrifice
This is the most common form of philanthropy because it is driven by love. It happens to our neighbors and loved ones.
I once had a friend who was interested in punk music and over time I slowly turned into punk chic while hanging out with him. I've listened to his music, I've worn everything in black, I've torn my clothes and I've gone from blonde to black hair. I would have done anything for his love.
Self-sacrifice is when we put the needs of others before our own, adapt to their agendas and adapt to them, but in the process we lose small parts of ourselves.
It is a personal crime if this happens because it takes years to rediscover all the things we once loved.
Experimentation is the remedy to find the feeling of pure happiness that we once had. I took belly dancing and various yoga classes, went for walks in various places, and challenged myself to try new and old things to see if they lit me up. I also reminded myself that I don't have to sacrifice my interests and needs for others because if they really love me, they want me to honor those things.
The apologist
Sorry! Oops sorry Oh yes, I would apologize for anything from accidentally bumping into someone in the supermarket to long drinks in a bar.
At some point I realized that I was apologizing all the time because I believed that I was to blame in every situation – not just very attentively and sensitively towards other people, as I had previously believed. I blamed myself for all sorts of things from meeting my needs to taking up space.
One day I decided to walk the busy city streets with my head held high and no longer go out of my way to avoid other people or to apologize for almost meeting them. I bit my tongue and just reminded myself that it's okay to have my own agenda. I am not to blame for things that are out of my control and I have a voice.
The sensitive soul
I often protected myself from the world even though I wanted to trust it because it was difficult for me to create emotional boundaries. The word “should” was always hanging over my head – I should always be available, I should be able to listen whenever someone needs me. However, this took an enormous toll.
Everyone came to me to share their story, dump their trash and then move on, which left me with a negative energy charge. I would suppress my feelings and pretend everything is fine. I also felt like I couldn't share my story with others because they were in a bad mood, were sad, or the timing was wrong. I was a doormat.
I had to deal with my conditioning in order not to take on other people's problems anymore. Why did my feelings come second to those of others? Why were their stories more important than mine? I discovered that I had put others on pedestals and that I had to dig deep into my "shoulders" and start one at a time until I was able to speak and set boundaries.
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I started to please people because someone told me I always tried to prove myself, but ironically, that's what people like – to try to prove that you are a good person by You do the right things so that nobody does it upset or disappointed. Ultimately, however, we disappoint ourselves.
Since I started challenging these personalities, I have slowly balanced my need for contentment. It wasn't easy, but I'm much closer to who I used to be now – someone who likes who she is and has nothing to prove to anyone.
Does one of these personalities look familiar to you? And how do you intend to go about it?
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