“Some people will simply reject you because you shine too brightly for them. That's okay. Keep shining. "~ Mandy Hale
After I finished school, I looked forward to moving on with life.
I thought about the career I had hoped for, where I wanted to live and the things I wanted to achieve.
After starting as a secondary school English teacher and being disappointed with the ongoing changes in the public school system, I went to graduate law school. I thought it would open up a lot of possibilities, but it didn't.
I never dreamed of being a lawyer in a courtroom. Instead, I always wanted to work in Europe or South America with people from different cultures, nationalities and backgrounds. I wanted to make a positive difference in a humanitarian way by working with people personally to make change and improve their lives.
But life had something else in store for me. I've been denied endlessly, well over a thousand times for every application I've sent over a period of years.
Disillusionment set in. There was a feeling, "why bother trying?" As the rejections piled up, friends I had known for years left too. Their calls and visits became less frequent. They moved on with their lives, their careers, their marriage and their children.
I felt left behind and rejected not only from jobs but from life in general. The injuries and betrayal made me lose my passion and excitement. Then there were the callous remarks from friends, people in the local community when I asked if they knew of any position, former professors who were unable to help in any way after I graduate, college career center advisors, and even extended family members.
It took me some time, but I eventually came to the realization that those who disliked me endlessly weren't the ones who really mattered. I would keep shining brightly with or without them.
Here are the four things that helped me finally reject the non-acceptance and rejection I have experienced from others.
1. Realize that “there is no box”.
Our backgrounds, degrees, friends, teachers, families, and overall culture as a whole try to make us conform to a narrow set of parameters. If you went to school to be a teacher, you have to be a teacher. If you graduated to become an auto mechanic, you must be an auto mechanic. And you have to live in this place or in this country, because that is where your family has always lived.
Someone once said to me: "There is no box." Society tries to include us and limit us to defining ourselves within certain narrow boundaries. However, I realized that there really is “no box” and that I can use my skills and talents in other ways and in other places.
I didn't have to adjust to where I was or seek acceptance from those who were near me.
I started meeting new people and looking at other places and countries, and I stopped trying to seek acceptance from those who had already decided that they would not accept me for who I was. The employers, institutions and agencies told me that I was "overqualified" or that there were "many qualified candidates" and that I had not been considered or that they were keeping my résumé.
It was as if no matter what I achieved and how hard I worked, it was never "the right skills" or "enough" for the particular place or person I submitted to.
In a way, I accepted their rejection because I knew the answer was coming out of my box and I realized that someone else would be more than happy to accept me for who I was.
2. Let go of the need for approval from others.
Letting go of the need for approval opens exciting new doors. We are finally free to be who we really are.
I wanted to meet the expectations of family and society. I think that's why it hurt so much to have so many rejections over such a long period of time. I wanted to be "successful" according to society's expectations. I wanted to follow the path that everyone told me was a "normal" and "safe" life.
Since then it has become clear to me that I can define success for myself.
For me, success means doing what I love – teaching, reading, traveling, meeting and working with people from all over the world, learning languages and getting to know different cultures.
Everything changed for me when I decided to live my life on my terms now instead of looking for a company, agency, government institution, or other entity to give me the chance or opportunity. I didn't want to wait for someone or anything else's permission.
I also realized that I can use my skills in the world outside of the narrow and limited context of the jobs and people who reject me.
For example, I can teach and work to help others, but it doesn't have to be within the rigid structure of the public education system.
I can use the skills I have acquired to be a global citizen and learn and grow every day without being limited to the parameters of a place, country or culture. I can be an amalgamation of everyone as I continue to grow as a person, both personally and professionally, but on my own terms, not those dictated by someone or something else.
As I let go of the need for others to approve of me, my world expanded because I could now do the things in life that I was passionate about instead of just trying to adapt and satisfy others.
3. Start journaling.
Journaling and connection with our true selves and what really gives us pleasure can appreciate us again despite all the opposition and rejection that we experience from the world.
It can also help us reconnect with the things we loved in our youth – the passions we lost after years of school trying to do what we did believed to be doing in order to be successful in the eyes of society.
Journaling has helped me get back to my uniqueness as a person and has really motivated and inspired me. It helped me pay attention to what made me happy again and what I really wanted to do or achieve.
I was inspired by my experiences in the world outside of my comfort zone and by the rich and diverse cultures and experiences that were waiting out there. As I continued journaling, I also realized that I was always inspired by the opportunity to teach and help others, but in an international capacity.
As a result, I had the opportunity to help students with autism, teach English to students and adults internationally, and write for a variety of places abroad that accepted and valued my work. However, I would never have explored these aspects of myself if I had been accepted by those who rejected me. Which really means their rejections were a blessing in disguise.
4. Support those who support you.
“Your circle should want to see that you win. Your circle should clap the loudest when you have good news. If they don't, get a new circle. "~ Wesley Snipes
We can reject rejection by supporting those who support us in both good and difficult times of our life. Why support those who are only there for you when life is good?
The difficult times made me realize who was really on my side. The people who stayed with me and continued to believe in me supported me with both victories and disappointments. There was a huge difference between people and other people who stopped answering calls or emails unless I was “successful”.
Well, I may not have as many friends as I used to have, but the ones I have are an important part of my circle and of the people I can rely on.
Someone once said to me: "Now I know who the true believers are." This is how I feel about those who proudly celebrated my successes and were there for me even in my darkest moments.
I hope you are lucky enough to have people in your life who really support you, even if it's only one person. If you don't, try to open up to new people and stop giving your energy to people who conditionally accept you or who regularly disappoint you. Creating a support circle starts with the first step, creating a small space.
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It was not easy for me to overcome rejection and non-acceptance and I still have problems with it at times. Nobody wants to feel left out or like a failure. But it has become clear to me that I can only fail because of the conditions of society if I accept them – and I don't.
Instead, I rejected the "box" other people were trying to impose on me, moved me out of my comfort zone, let go of the need for approval, rediscovered what excites me, and shifted my focus to the people who did it always supports me, no matter what I have achieved. And I'm much happier about it.
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