“Resilience is about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive. “~ Jamais Cascio
The pandemic has forced us to avoid people, to isolate ourselves and to keep ourselves to ourselves.
It seems like you are in a position where you don't have many options. You can't hang out freely with your friends. You can't have as much fun as you used to. Your dating and socializing options are limited. These setbacks can bring feelings of loneliness to the fore, deepen longing for relationships, and highlight your innate desire for connection.
I know how easy it is to get sucked into a hole of despair, loneliness and paralysis and wait for better times.
I'm not single now, but my life has forced me to be single in the past. I used to try to find love online for ten years. I have created a lot of drama, frustration, and pain for myself. I reached the point of emotional exhaustion and had to rebuild my confidence and find my own strength. I then did a dating detox for two years and never looked back.
During this time I was totally focused on building an amazing relationship with myself. I've learned to hold myself, support myself, and take care of myself. I learned how to enjoy being single. I hugged myself lonely and learned to ease my uncomfortable feelings.
All of the methods and techniques I've shared below have helped me find the inner resources for a better and more fulfilling life as a single.
As a staunch supporter of the adage “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, I encourage you to turn inward to find your resilience. Stop waiting and start thriving now.
Since it could be a little more difficult to find love at the moment, use this time to learn more about yourself, to deepen your relationship with yourself and to make friends with your loneliness.
Ultimately, we are the architect of our own destiny. We all have the power to choose how we want to feel and what actions we need to take to thrive rather than just survive. When you take these steps, you will end up getting stronger, clearer, and stronger.
Here are some suggestions how you can use this pandemic to your advantage:
1. Be gentle with yourself.
You have valid reasons to be everywhere emotionally now. Someday things might look bright and simple. Another day, you might feel down and demotivated. Know it. Confirm it. Have pity on you Don't expect too much from yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Let's face it: these are unprecedented times. You need to adjust your expectations of yourself to the current circumstances. It will feel hard and challenging at times. Allow everything. Without judgment. It is what it is and you do your best.
Take it one day at a time. Have a plan or structure each day if that helps you move on. When things get tough, take care of yourself and prioritize your wellbeing. Through meditation and mindfulness you can reduce your anxiety and loneliness, find blessings every day (no matter how boring and limited it may be), and increase your joy and satisfaction.
2. Make friends with your loneliness.
Make an appointment with your loneliness. Let's call it your "Silence & Solitude Session". You can do this when you have your morning coffee or smoothie, or when you feel overwhelmed by loneliness. Just sit down, turn off all distractions (like your phone), and be present with your feelings.
Find the feeling of loneliness in your body. Feel how warm or cold it is. Which color is it? What shape it is. Learn why you feel the way you feel. What triggered this feeling? What's the thought behind this feeling? Does your loneliness have a message for you?
Treat it like an energy wave that goes through your body – energy that wants to be released and transformed. Like every wave it comes and goes. Every feeling is fleeting. No emotion lasts forever. Eventually, they all pass and much faster if you stop opposing and judging them.
If you prefer to change your feelings with something physical, just drop everything and dance, exercise or hike. Even a quick cleaning session around the house can quickly change your state by moving the energy around. At the end of your exploration, your loneliness won't hold that much power over you.
When I became familiar with my own loneliness, it didn't paralyze me as much or feel as scary. I could accept it, share it, and find peace and comfort in solitude.
3. Take care of your inner child.
When you are feeling flat, sad, angry, or frustrated, sit down, close your eyes, and connect with your inner child to give him what it needs.
You might see them. You could feel it Get closer to them. Spend a few moments chatting and playing with them.
When you feel like the moment is right, ask them what they need right now. Give them space and wait for the answers. The answers will flow and you might be surprised what they are. Then you can reassure them that you will always be there for them and want to meet their needs.
When I did this exercise at a particularly lonely time, I realized that my inner child needed more fun and connection. She felt lonely because I had neglected her and ignored her need to play.
If your inner child is also feeling choked with the busyness and seriousness of life, let them out and engage in fun, playful activities. Have a fancy dance party (invite your friends through Zoom!). Have a karaoke session and sing loudly. Get dirty with paint or clay. Take a box of markers and paper and draw how you feel.
Let them express you through creativity. It doesn't matter what you create or what it looks like in the end. The process of playing and creating will bring about the healing.
4. Use social media to connect and not numb yourself.
Limit your social media time and use it on purpose. Time friends, connect with your family, reach out to friends you haven't spoken to in years and see how they're doing. Be creative. Maybe a cooking session with a friend via Zoom or a dinner with a sibling with WhatsApp.
These interactions are invaluable. They make you feel connected and improve your mood. Mindless scrolling through FB or Instagram stories will not be possible. It can produce the opposite effect. Often this makes you feel even more isolated and not part of it. This can trigger a "comparison inflammation" – the feeling that you are falling behind on your goals / projects compared to others you see online. It will only bring you down.
Investigate what makes you grab your phone, how often, when, and what feelings you try to numb by scrolling through social media for no purpose. Then you'll find healthier ways to address your emotions – like doing something fun when you're bored, or journaling when you're feeling bad about yourself.
You will stop wasting so much time and you will have more of it to explore new things that bring you joy and pleasure. Maybe deleting certain apps from your phone is a good idea. Or schedule specific times a day for social media instead of doing it whenever you feel like it. Experiment and see what changes in your life.
5. Spend time in nature.
You may recognize the healing powers of nature, but limit yourself to indoor activities because it is easier or because it is cold outside. But even in the colder months, nature can bring you comfort. It can lift you up. It can help you purify your energy and emotions. It can inspire you and give you insight, whether it's a brisk stroll in a nearby park or just stepping barefoot outside into your yard.
Feel the ground, the grass, the sand or even the snow, depending on what is available where you are. Look at the sky. Listen to the trees. Take a short break and be present with what is there. Deep breathing while being present will help you supply your body with oxygen and get the energy flowing.
If you are more adventurous, why not travel to a new place and discover something new? Find a forest or a national reserve. Pack a sandwich or two and enjoy exploring a new place. Spending a day in the middle of nature will fill your soul and refresh you spiritually. It will move the stagnant energy and bring new inspiration.
6. Keep your vision alive.
I know you had to put everything on hold and little is available at the moment. Some of your plans had to be changed. Some projects have been suspended. But please don't let your dreams and vision die within you. The pandemic is temporary. You can use the extra time to deepen and clarify your dreams and goals, or to find your purpose.
Draw your vision of your future in your mind every day. Take a few minutes each day to create your future. Grab your journal or sit down for a moment and reconnect with your dreams. Review your aspirations. Reconsider your goals. Stop by yourself and see what else is important, what you want to let go of and what new plans you have.
Here are some prompts to get you up and running:
Has anything changed in your dreams and goals?
Do you still want the same things?
What do you want?
What is no longer important?
What new things do you want to create?
7. Reevaluate your relationships.
Use this time to reassess your relationships, standards and boundaries.
If you dare to be honest with yourself and see how you have contributed to your mistakes and bad decisions in love, you can learn lessons and strength from it – and avoid unnecessary frustrations, heartache and drama in the future .
Take some time to find out what you want and don't want in your next relationship and what you don't want to compromise on. This will help you to become the best version of yourself and to find the right partner with your powerful energy and uncompromising standards and values.
Here are some journaling prompts to help you uncover your strengths and give you more clarity:
What have you learned about yourself from your previous relationships?
How did your previous relationships make you stronger?
How have you prepared previous relationships for the success of your next?
What are you no longer available for?
What will you do differently in your next relationship?
When I did this exercise as a single, I realized that I was an extreme submitter and had no limits. No wonder I felt drained after every relationship and needed time to recover. I've set some new boundaries and balanced my philanthropic tendencies, and this has enabled me to attract true love.
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By applying the points above, you can improve your relationship with yourself and enjoy being single more. You are also better prepared for successful dating when dating becomes easier. As you go through difficult times, you have a new appreciation for yourself, a stronger sense of self, and more clarity about what you are available for and what you are not available for.
Like nothing else, this will positively affect your future romantic decisions about who to date and who to include in your life.
This isolation has a higher purpose. Use this time to strengthen yourself so that you are ready to expand in any area of your life once we are on the other side of the pandemic.
About Aska Kolton
Aska Kolton is the creator of the Dating Detox Revolution. It empowers single women who are exhausted from dating or have run out of unfulfilled relationships to take time out to rebuild their self-love and confidence so they can thrive in life and feel happy, whole, and worthy inside before going back looking for love. Here you can join your Facebook group. Get your audio guide "Happy, Whole and Worthy" HERE.
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