"Everything seems to change when we change." ~ Henri-Frédéric Amiel
The greatest life-changing moment in my life would have looked inconspicuous to an outsider.
I was at a point in my life (late twenties) when everything seemed to look fine on paper. I did a great job, lived in downtown Seattle and enjoyed the live music scene. Besides not being in a relationship, I thought I had "arrived".
The only problem was that I was unhappy and hardly acknowledged it. Part of me knew I wasn't happy, but I tried to escape that feeling by playing guitar, writing, or watching live music as much as possible.
My other avoidance tactic was to work long hours on my day job or to have social drinks in “hip” bars in town.
But every time I came home, I was there. I was still grappling with my feelings and trying to understand why happiness was so fleeting.
I had recently split up with someone who was important to me, but knew that he was not healthy for me. She was a heavy drinker, and because I tended to only join my partners, my drinking had increased significantly when I was with her and I felt awful (physically and emotionally).
It was a messy ending and it made me even more confused. I should be so happy "Why am I not?" This nagging thought haunted me for several months.
Moment of awareness and choice
I came home from work one afternoon and thoughtlessly went through my routine. I left my bag by the door. Changed into comfortable clothes. Went to the fridge and opened a beer.
Then I fell on the sofa and turned on the television. This was my routine for a few insane months.
Thinking about that moment, I can see I was absently flicking through every channel available through the cable box. Interested in absolutely nothing. I would draw the beer in one hand without trying it while switching channels with the remote in the other hand.
I was literally in a trance and not really processing anything. I was walking unconsciously on an autopilot as it passed channel by channel.
And then it happened. It was as if the background noise was suddenly amplified in part of my mind. I could hear thought after thought running through my head like a CNN news crawl.
The shocking part for me was how negative those thoughts were. "You are not good. Nobody loves you. You are a failure. You will never find someone to love you. You are not worth it."
I also realized that I had heard these thoughts before, but had decided to stuff them or to mute the volume by distraction.
But here they were. Loud and booming. I was forced to face them again.
I was in disbelief for a few minutes while some selected explosives escaped me.
When the shock subsided there was an overwhelming feeling that I had reached a huge fork in the road.
One election resulted in these thoughts being brought back to where they came from and drinking a beer again without thoughtlessly watching TV.
And then magically a second choice came out of nowhere. Stop it all and just sit down with those thoughts.
I remember just saying, "Huh!" according to. I never realized I had a choice. I was programmed to run and hide.
I realized that this was an amazing moment for me. I could feel chills running all over my body.
The choice was: go back to sleep or just be present and experience these thoughts.
Something deep inside me knew which path to take. It was the strongest feeling to know that I had ever experienced. I also knew that if I didn't get on that train now, I could be lost forever. It almost felt like a life or death decision.
At that moment of the election, I finally gave in. I stopped resisting and avoiding. I decided to sit in discomfort and stop running and hiding.
The decision to pursue "better"
As soon as I decided to stay and be with those negative thoughts, my body jumped into action. As if someone else was out of control.
In one long, tumbling motion I turned off the television, went to the sink and threw away the rest of my beer. Then I took a deep breath, went into my living room, and sat cross-legged on the floor.
I had never meditated but heard about it. I was very interested in Buddhism when I was in college, but I never took the steps to find out what it was about. I thought there was no better time than now to just give it a try.
I only know that at that moment I made the firm decision to just sit and be with my thoughts. No matter how intense a ride would be or how crazy it seemed just to sit still.
I still remember those first moments of silence. It was a bittersweet experience. The bitter side experienced all the bad and evil thoughts that went through my head at full volume. There seemed to be no end.
But there was also a sweetness in the silence that bathed my experience. There was peace here that I had never seen before. It was like being cuddled in a warm bosom and I soon felt that the negative words were less scary.
I can't remember how long I sat in silence that first day, but it was at least a couple of hours. I remember opening and closing my eyes several times. I checked that I was still in my living room.
It was like finding out if you could trust to wade into a lake that you had never been to. Slowly step by step. And there were certain moments where I had to open my eyes and just allow myself to be comfortable before moving on.
There were also moments when I felt "I" leave my body, which honestly scared me of the H-E double hockey sticks. It was such a strange experience. Though I could feel some sort of chord holding me to my body, I'd never seen myself jump out and look down at my cross-legged self below. I was fascinated and a bit freaked out at the same time.
But then I heard another voice. A softer voice. One assured me that everything was fine.
I was led to just be with the process and that at some point I would feel good and not have to jump out of my body. And for the first time in a long time, I began to relax.
At some point, I noticed that if I just let them float through my thoughts, they would gradually fade away until there was only sweet silence, and then more thoughts would come back at a lower volume. I still had no idea what I was doing but I felt better and that was all that mattered.
I didn't notice, but just sitting with my thoughts made a statement. I now sent, “I want to learn to be happy and more loving. I will not run away anymore. "
From that moment on, I would come home from work every day and just meditate. I got rid of my cable box and allowed myself to be open to new possibilities. I was led by a friend into hiring a life coach and I started bringing up things in my life that were preventing me from being happy.
For example, I realized that I had compromised my ability to use emotions because I had worked in the aerospace industry where facts and data were involved.
Using my new friend, consciousness, I began to identify emotions that I had never really processed, investigated, or tried to heal. A special moment of healing was attending the anger I had while attending a Catholic high school for boys. I was one of the youngest children and was chosen from time to time.
I didn't even know how much anger was boiling beneath the surface. It was only when I became aware of this and then had permission to express my feelings that I was finally free from my lingering anger about being teased and bullied.
I also faced the fear I had developed after a plane crash when I was nineteen and had a lovely moment of liberation with tears flowing like the Nile. It never crossed my mind that I was holding onto so much trauma and asking to be released.
The more I became aware of my past and published it, the easier and happier I naturally became. I found myself whistling for work one day, which I hadn't done in years!
I also studied Buddhism and energy healing and was imbued with all forms of spirituality that interested me. It was a joyful time of learning and trying.
But in the end I knew that it was not enough just to learn. I had to practice the ideas of love, healing and forgiveness in the world.
"Leveling Up" with awareness and selection
When I look back on that moment when I finally stopped and chose a different way to be in the world, I realize that this was the defining moment in my life.
Sure, I have attended many spiritual workshops, retreats, and training courses and made experiences on mountain tops. But they would never have happened if I hadn't made the choice and had my thoughts fully present.
Our mind is constantly in and out of consciousness (awake) and ignorance (asleep). It takes diligence and practice to stay awake and make loving decisions.
Think about how much of your day you are actually aware of your thoughts or habits compared to when you were doing "autopilot" tasks or spreading out on social media.
Here are some ways to stay aware and to choose from throughout the day:
Set a daily goal. Something like, “I want to feel my thoughts at work and think lovingly.” Set an hourly reminder on your phone to check in throughout the day.
Put a sticky note with the words “Awareness and Choice” next to your workspace or area where you spend most of your time to remind yourself to be present with your internal experience. Put it where you will see it often.
Schedule meditation dates throughout the day. See if you can sneak in five five-minute meditations throughout the day. Set reminders if necessary.
Pick someone in your life who you are having trouble with (especially at work). Talk to this person and watch your thoughts. Choose if you'd like to see them differently in the moment (as best you can).
At the end of the day, review the thoughts you had about yourself or others. Go back to times on the day when you gave yourself or someone else a hard time. Replace these thoughts with the ones you would rather have told yourself.
Awareness and choice are a powerful duo that can change your life for the better. Both are required. Consciousness takes in what is present. Choice is taking steps to move your consciousness in your intended direction.
See where you can benefit from awareness and choice in your life. Then put your compass on luck and enjoy the trip!
About Scott Krajca
Scott has been an intuitive trainer for over 16 years. He loves guiding customers around the world through a "soul" spa experience. He is also a certified hypnotherapist and engineer in the aerospace industry, which helps him connect spiritual information with informed and practical steps to move you forward in life. Scott offers life tips and session discounts to those who sign up for his weekly newsletter at www.oceanintuitive.com.
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