"We just don't communicate well," Merle reported in our first meeting, while her husband Luke nodded softly in agreement. Like many couples who presented themselves for counseling, Merle and Luke believed that "communication problems" caused a lot of their relationship problems.
As a couples therapist, I knew that "communication problems" can mean countless things. As with many couples I see, I found that Merle and Luke actually communicated well with each other. The conflict seemed to have more to do with the fact that they didn't like what the other was saying.
The distress that Merle and Luke experienced in their relationship also affected their sexual relationship. When it comes to couples, any problems that arise outside of the bedroom also play out in the bedroom. Recent research shows that 40% to 50% of women (Marita McCabe et al., Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine 2016) and 31% of men (Cleveland Clinic, 2016) have a sexual disorder. Research suggests that even if couples initially report a non-sexual problem such as communication problems, they are also likely to have sexual difficulties.
Despite the frequency of sexual problems, many counselors find it uncomfortable to discuss sexual matters with their clients. Counselors who do not ask about a couple's sex life, even when couples have the general complaint of communication problems, neglect important information that would help them develop a deeper understanding of the couple. The therapist who disregards the sexual aspect of the couple's relationship will have difficulty helping the couple to function at healthier levels.
As a couples therapist and certified sex therapist, I believe that the sexual dynamics of a couple can say a lot about their non-sexual dynamics and vice versa. Master's Conflict Therapy has given me the skills and ability to deal more deeply with couples who have a variety of relational and sexual issues.
Identification of the master conflict
The master's conflict therapy is an integrative approach to the treatment of couples, which combines the Freudian psychoanalytic conflict theory and the Bowen theory with basic principles and practices of sex therapy. We all have a master conflict and unconsciously choose a long-term partner with the same master conflict. The master conflict stays with us for a lifetime, regardless of whether we stay with our long-term partner. The goal of master conflict therapy is for couples to learn how to balance and manage their master conflict in a healthy way, as it will never go away.
A couple usually has the same fight over and over again. While the content of the fight can change, the process of the fight looks the same. For example, Merle and Luke often argued about how to spend their money, how to spend their free time, and even how often to visit their in-laws. The process of their struggles, however, was that of two partners vying for each other's acceptance and at the same time rejecting each other. The process of struggle can sometimes be a good indicator of the master conflict.
Consultants should familiarize themselves with some important facts about master conflicts. First, master conflicts in childhood are internalized through verbal and behavioral messages from the family of origin. The master conflict can be influenced by religion, culture, ethnicity, or experiences with traumatic events in childhood. Generally, customers are aware of one side of their conflict, but rarely are they aware of both. Clients may have multiple conflicts, but the main conflict is the most influential or powerful. In addition, the master's conflict is evident in many areas of customer life (work dynamics, career choice, friendships, hobbies, etc.). It's also important to note that neither side of the conflict is better than the other. Rather, both sides of the conflict have advantages and disadvantages.
Although master conflicts do not affect who we choose for short-term relationships or occasional sexual encounters, they do determine the choice of a long-term partner. Long-term partners share the same major conflict. Master conflicts are normal and exist in any relationship. However, when the conflict gets out of whack, the couple finds themselves in dire straits. Once the main conflict gets out of whack, it can be very difficult for the couple to resolve. To resolve the main conflict, both partners need to agree on a strategy and work together to address the main conflict.
Many events can upset a masterclass, including major career changes, financial changes, a newborn, or even living with your partner in quarantine during a global pandemic. Problems had been brewing for Merle and Luke for some time, but the quarantine crisis unbalanced their main conflict between acceptance and rejection. Those with an acceptance or rejection conflict have one side of themselves that needs to be accepted and another side that needs to be rejected. Merle and Luke both wanted to please others and had a strong desire to be accepted by the other. Paradoxically, those with this master-conflict have also unconsciously adjusted to be rejected by others.
In our book Master Conflict Therapy: A New Model for Couples Practicing and Sex Therapy, published in 2018, Stephen Betchen and I outline 19 of the most common master conflicts we see in our clinical practice. In addition to acceptance and rejection, another very common main conflict that I see is commitment and freedom. Customers with this main conflict have one side who wants stability and the security of engagement, but the other side wants to be free of constraints. People with a history of affairs or a pattern of getting on and off relationships quickly can likely have this main conflict. Clients who have witnessed their parents' affairs or who have not committed themselves to one another can also develop this main conflict. Those with this mastery conflict may have a pattern of switching careers or jobs frequently, moving around frequently, or engaging in many different hobbies or interests without pursuing any long-term.
Counselors who deal intensively with addiction should familiarize themselves with the conflict between your needs and the care of masters. For this master-conflict, one side of the client wants to meet their own personal needs while the other side wants to be selfless and martyr. Clients who have this major conflict have often grown up in families where there was addiction or one parent or sibling had a disability or illness that required most of the family's attention and resources. These clients often have specific life goals that they would like to achieve, but their ordeal at work, in friendships, and with their families and significant others consumes most of their time and energy in achieving those goals.
Another frequent master conflict is particularity vs. ordinaryness. Clients with this master conflict have one side that needs to feel special or different, while the other side feels ordinary or even less than usual. The client who builds up and lies down at the same time could have this conflict. People with this master conflict seek constant validation and pursue materialistic possessions or unique life experiences that they believe will make them different. Those with this master-conflict are at greater risk of engaging in affairs, as affairs are an easy way to experience the high of the "special". Despite the constant hunt to stand out from the crowd, people with this mastery conflict continue to feel "less than" or just ordinary, often because what they built their specialty out of is not authentic.
Advisors who work with high achievers, including those at the forefront of their careers, celebrities and top athletes, should watch out for success and sabotage. Clients with this main conflict want to be successful or big and have often achieved something big, but the other side of themselves wants to be small or fail. With great success comes the risk of great failure. Individuals with this conflict are sabotaging their own success, and since their partner shares the same main conflict, if they get too big or too successful, their partner will also sabotage them.
Evaluation and development of relationship symptoms
The first three to five sessions should serve as the treatment evaluation phase. While I let couples start where they have to in the first session, I collect a genogram and history for each partner in the next sessions. As I collect this information, I also pay attention to both the language they use to describe their presentation problems and their non-verbal communication.
Merle often used the word "rejected" and described her position in the relationship as "unfair". She was usually the noisier and more active partner in couples therapy. Luke, on the other hand, presented himself as aloof and seemed closed or dismissive towards Merle. Luke reported that "Merle just doesn't like what I appreciate," and I noticed resentment in many of the passive-aggressive comments he would make towards Merle in the session.
The couple stated that they sought couples therapy for "poor fights and poor communication" as they were quarantined. Some of the struggles related to household chore sharing and parenting while still trying to work. The main source of conflict, however, was whether this was an appropriate time to have a second child. Luke believed the couple should put off or not have a second child because of the economic instability associated with the global pandemic. Merle accused Luke of being "selfish" and just caring about having time to pursue his artistic interest (an interest with which he was successful).
The couple reported meeting at work when they were 20 years old. Both described the dating and engagement stages of their relationship as positive. At the time, Merle was helping Luke do the arts, and he was helping Merle pursue her dream career despite being in a low paying area. Although the young couple had always planned to raise a family at some point, they were surprised to learn that Merle was pregnant a few months before their wedding. Both cited the unplanned pregnancy as the beginning of their relationship's decline, but each had different views on why it was.
Merle came from a warm but pushy family. She described close relationships with her sisters. She excelled at school and sports as a child and teenager. Merle described herself as a "people-lover" and often worried about disappointing family and friends. When one of her sisters dropped out of college to pursue a different career path, Merle saw her parents struggle deeply with that decision. Merle's father was a first generation immigrant who had never had the opportunity to go to college. It was very important to him that all of his daughters graduated from college, and Merle believed that he had never fully recovered from her sister's decision to leave school.
When Merle discovered she was pregnant before their wedding, she was so afraid of disappointing her parents that she kept the news a secret until after the event ended, even though it was evident that she had gained weight. As Merle explained, "I'd rather deal with my parents' disappointment in getting fat than with their disappointment in getting pregnant before I get married."
Luke came from a disorganized and controlling family. Both parents came from the working class and were religiously conservative. Although Luke had an interest in pursuing the arts, both of his parents forbade him from engaging in such an "impractical" interest and pushed him into activities that were "better for college entry" although he had little interest in them would have. Luke was also deaf in one ear, which had given him learning difficulties as a young child. This was another trait that, in his opinion, made him "less than" his other siblings. While his siblings followed the path of their religious parents, Luke showed little interest in organized religion and eventually abandoned his parents' faith as a young adult. This decision caused much conflict within the family.
As the third of seven children, Luke had often seen his mother overwhelmed by her large family, especially given the fact that her husband worked long hours to support her. Luke described how he felt deprived of his normal childhood joys and experiences because his parents were unable to provide their children with adequate attention and financial support.
Luke had spent much of his 20s moving his professional career to a place where he was safe and could devote more time to pursuing his artistic interests that his remote parents continued to reject. Although Merle tried to reassure Luke that her baby would not change his ability to be artistic, he knew from his own childhood that this just wasn't true. Luke described a period of depression during pregnancy. Merle said he was excited about the pregnancy but also stressed how to "get Luke to agree".
During the assessment, I always record a sex story. In this case, both partners denied having experienced sexual trauma and both reported having long-term relationship partners before dating. Luke admitted that he was less sexually experienced than Merle because of his upbringing. Even so, the couple felt positive about their sexual relationship before having a child. They were both satisfied with the frequency and believed that they shared each other with pleasure. However, in recent years their sexual frequency had decreased. Luke attributed this to stress while Merle worried it was more personal.
Discussing the sexual development and history of a couple helps the counselor identify sexual patterns. It also helps the couple feel more comfortable when it comes to sex. Merle finally announced in tears that she feared Luke would no longer be attracted to her because of his delayed ejaculation. Luke stated that he wasn't sure why he was having this problem and denied that he was no longer attracted to Merle. Both reported that delayed ejaculation started around the same time they were arguing about whether to have a second child.
During treatment, Luke eventually admitted that he felt conflicted over having a second child, and feared that the additional requirements would hamper his pursuit of a side career as an artist. Merle dismissed his concerns as selfish and hit him for "taking away" her dreams of a bigger family. Living in quarantine meant that Luke rarely had time to do anything with his art. In fact, he spent most of his time balancing work from home and trying to become a parent. The result of these sexual experiences made both partners feel rejected by the other: Merle through Luke's delayed ejaculation and lack of desire for another child, and Luke through Merle's response to his sexual difficulties and overly optimistic attitude towards having another child.
Treatment and relapse prevention
Master's conflict therapy consists of four treatment goals:
1) To help the couple uncover their mutual mastery conflict
2) To help the couple determine the origin of their master conflict
3) To help the couple decide which side of the conflict to choose, or to integrate both sides of the conflict into a tolerable, balanced state
4) To alleviate the couple's sexual and non-sexual symptoms
Couples should leave treatment and know how to deal with their main conflict. This prevents relapse if their conflict gets out of whack in the future. Their fights should become less intense and less frequent, and they should have the skills to deal with their masterful conflict together.
It takes many sessions to fully understand a couple and to collect enough data to support the master conflict suspected by a therapist. During this time, the therapist should conduct a thorough assessment, provide the couple with relevant psychoeducation regarding the problem at hand, and provide the couple with behavioral strategies that can help them get out of the crisis.
I discussed psychoeducation with Merle and Luke in relation to delayed ejaculation and sexual desire. I also helped the couple improve their basic communication skills. Since Luke had no medical risk factors that would have resulted in delayed ejaculation (we ruled this out with an extensive medical history, a visit to the urologist, and routine blood tests), I suspected that most of the problem was psychological in nature. I also examined with the couple the behavior and emotional baggage that each of them brought into the relationship from their families of origin, which not only influenced their style of conflict, but also influenced the way each of them viewed that conflict.
Merle and Luke soon began to see how similar they were, including both that they never felt fully accepted by their families and both feared they would be rejected by the other. They eventually realized the way their own conflict between acceptance and rejection played out in other areas of their lives that had nothing to do with their romantic relationship. Merle had a long history of people who were satisfied and longed to be accepted by girlfriends. this often led to disappointment and rejection. Luke was a hard worker and longed to be recognized at work, but when he was praised he negotiated and led his superiors to feel frustrated with him. Discovering how similar they were to each other helped Merle and Luke develop empathy for one another.
After this couple had a better understanding of their mastery conflict and the impact it had on their lives, we turned to the issue of having a second child. Merle felt a conflict between wanting to please Luke by limiting the family to one child and wanting to expand the family, even if it meant additional challenges for them and more tension between them. Luke saw Merle as ready to risk their relationship, financial stability, and the overall stability they had created for their first child only to have another child. He stated that he was working hard in a day job that he didn't particularly enjoy and put his artistic activities aside for family stability reasons. This had also allowed Merle to take on her "dream job" despite the poor pay – something the couple agreed on during their engagement.
After thorough processing, Luke stated that he would only agree to have a second child if Merle took a higher paying job or they found a way to move to a much cheaper area of the country. Given the idea of losing her career, Merle was better able to align with Luke's position. Ultimately, the couple decided to postpone the decision to have another child for a year. Merle would look into other career options that could provide the family with additional financial security, while Luke agreed to find affordable places the family could live and see if a more permanent home-based situation would ever be available to him could stand.
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After the dismissal, the couple reported that they fought much less often and with less intensity. They achieved an understanding of their master conflict and could now easily predict where each of them might fight or feel triggered by the other. When they resolved their conflicts, gained more understanding of their fighting pattern, and mutually agreed not to have another child at that point, Luke's delayed ejaculation subsided. Merle's fears of not being attractive to Luke subsided, and both reported feeling more emotionally and sexually connected.
Master's conflict therapy prepares couples to cope with their differences and conflicts over the long term. By providing a framework for a better understanding of themselves and each other, the couple can better cope with future conflicts – regardless of the content – as they see the process being the same.
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Heather Davidson is a licensed professional consultant and founder / owner of a private boutique practice in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania called Better Being Main Line. She is both a certified sex therapist and a certified desensitization and reprocessing therapist for eye movements and specializes in treating people and couples with sexual problems as well as those with traumatic experiences. She is a co-author of Master Conflict Therapy: A New Model for Couples Practicing and Sex Therapy (Routledge, 2018) and a lecturer in the Council for Relationships' postgraduate certificate program in sex therapy. Contact her at [email protected].
Knowledge-sharing articles developed from sessions presented at American Counseling Association conferences.
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Opinions and statements in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to reflect the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
