Last year my uncle died shortly after someone I love went through a rather traumatic breakup. I love my whole family, but I wasn't really close to my uncle and didn't know him very well, so I mourned my mother and aunt more than myself.
As I witnessed the deep pain around me, I began to think about the expectations we often have of people when we mourn a separation instead of mourning a death. We often expect them to be sad for a while and then just get over it. Because the person didn't die after all.
I would never compare the loss of a person's life to the loss of a relationship, but I wonder, do we even have to? Can't we classify both types of loss as difficult in their own way and respect that healing takes time for each?
I know from personal experience that breakups can evoke all kinds of complicated emotions.
They can trigger the pain of past trauma – times when people we trusted betrayed, neglected, or abandoned us.
They can evoke deep feelings of shame and unworthiness, especially when we blame ourselves for everything that went wrong.
You can kindle all our fears about being alone and what we mean to ourselves and to us – maybe we will never be happy because we are not kind and no one will ever want us.
And they can force us to face parts of ourselves that we would rather avoid, pieces of the puzzle that we have tried to complete with the love, affection and approval of other people.
Then there is the pain of accepting someone's cruelty when they are not emotionally mature enough to end things well, take responsibility for their part, and convey a sense of closure.
None of this is easy to overcome. And there is no set schedule for healing.
The truth is, it takes as long as it takes. It doesn't mean that we can't do anything to heal ourselves and move forward. It just means that even if we all do the "right" things, the pain can still linger, and that's okay.
It is also completely understandable – in general, and especially now when we are far more limited in our ability to get into the world, do things we love, and connect with other people. All of the things that will help when you are trying to empower yourself and focus on yourself.
If you are feeling the pain of a heartache right now, I hope you know that doing your best to make it through, especially in this crazy, surreal time, you deserve a lot of credit. Hope you are nice to yourself as you navigate the emotional land mine that heals. And I hope the following advice from Tiny Buddha contributors will help alleviate your pain, if just a little:
1. It's fine if you haven't got over it yet.
“Healing takes time. Give yourself grace, for it is the loving.
Would you keep asking your best friend why she is not over her heartbreak? No! That would be loveless, she needs grace. Are you feeling impatient with your progress or are you beating yourself? GRACEFULNESS. Just cried for hours on the couch even though you had two great weeks? GRACEFULNESS. Did you act in ways that made you feel bad later? Those are old habits, my friend – grace. "
~ Lauren Bolos, from How to Get Out Stronger After Heartbreak
2. You won't feel this way forever.
“At the end of the Depression Tunnel a light actually shines. But the only way to get to that light is to go through it. There is no way around the process, and the sooner you begin the journey of grief and healing, the sooner you will achieve peace.
The journey is long, but there is no race and no competition. It is a journey with you. There will be days when you will feel stronger than ever and a few days will bring you back to your knees.
Remember: the roller coaster is the journey. So even then, remember that even if you choose to be alive, you will make progress every day.
Every day progress is made if you choose not to call the one who left you.
Every day you take another breath, progress is made.
You are alive. You are strong. You will survive. "
~ Brisa Pinho out of mourning a loss that feels like death
3. You deserve a lot of recognition.
“Take credit for the good that has come out of this relationship. No, it wasn't all perfect and there are some things that you can take responsibility for in your past relationship, but what can you get credit for?
If you blame yourself for all the bad things, don't you need to appreciate the good things that happened too?
Which positive results resulted from this relationship?
How did you grow as a person in your previous relationship?
How did you mature and become a better version of yourself? "
~ Vishnu, from How to Stop Punishing Yourself for Separation
4. Your ex wasn't perfect.
“Remember both the bad and the good. Brain researchers suggest that nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief,” an ongoing feeling of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest that this is a biological event – that craving may have an addictive trait that is actually ingrained in our brain chemistry.
As a result, we tend to remember everything with daydreams, as if everything were sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine that he or she was perfect and you weren't. In reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you have both made mistakes.
Remember her now … it's easier to let go of a human than a hero. "
~ Lori Deschene (me!), From How to Give Up a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Carry On Peacefully
5. No relationship is a failure.
“Our society seems to be putting great pressure on the idea that things will last forever. But the truth is that everything is impermanent.
After a recent breakup, I felt that the relationship had failed. Then I stepped out of my conditioned thinking and discovered that love and failure do not live together. Because if you've loved, you've made it every time.
It was Wayne Dyer who introduced me to the more practical concept that "not every relationship should last forever". What a load on my back! Out of all of the souls hanging around on this planet, it seems to make sense to have more than one soul mate floating around.
Relationships can be our greatest teachers; Often it is through them that we discover most of us. In relationships, we have the opportunity to look in a mirror and reveal what we need to work on as individuals to be the best version of ourselves.
Every relationship will take its course, for a few weeks, months, years or even a lifetime. This is the unknown we all jump into. "
~ Erin Coriell, from How to love more and hurt less in relationships
6. When you change your perspective it is easier to heal.
"Whatever story you tell yourself about the relationship, you need to retell it. You may stick to the sad and tragic version. You were left a victim because your ex was the heartbreaker who didn't give the relationship a chance.
Shift the story to the one that's strongest for you. How about a story about how you both did your best? You fought, you loved, you laughed and you cried. They kept trying when things didn't seem to work. You fought, you forgive, you broke up, got back together and finally canceled it.
You both gave everything, but it didn't work out. It wasn't for want of trying. You came to the conclusion that you were different people, both good people who were incompatible with each other. You two have helped each other grow and become better versions of you.
The more you can change the way you view your ex and the relationship, the easier it will be to move on. "
~ Vishnu (from How to Carry On When Your Ex Is Already)
7. Sometimes you have to do your own degree.
“Closure is something that everyone would like to have. We want validation and understanding.
We can accept that someone does not want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something different. What we cannot accept is our partner's inability to effectively communicate this fact and tell us what went wrong.
Unfortunately, sometimes your partner doesn't have the same need, or he may have the same need, but he is better able to hide it and pretend he doesn't. They'd rather just push you and their feelings away.
In my experience, people cannot always be honest with you because they cannot be honest with themselves. It's not about you We always want it to be about ourselves and our mistakes and failures, but it's not.
Many people do not know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup. This is why they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they are not speaking to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or anything that you did wrong or that you weren't enough. "
~ Carrie Burns (from How To Carry On When Your Ex Is Not Talking To You)
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I suspect the last one is something a lot of people need to hear. You may have played a role in your breakup, but if your ex hasn't treated you with empathy and respect, it isn't your fault. Nobody deserves to be ignored. Nobody deserves to be treated like they don't care. And just because someone treats you like that doesn't mean it's true.
I know when I was in the depths of heartbreak I needed a reminder that regardless of the mistakes I made or how my ex saw me, I was still a good person, of love and healing was worth. And you are too. So love yourself and give yourself the time and empathy that you need to heal.
You are strong, you do the best you can and you can and will get through it!
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