“You are allowed to take your place. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things that are important to you, the hopes that you have. “~ Bianca Sparacino
I deserve to take up more space. Plain and simple. By occupying the space I deserve, I am further building the confidence I need to live a rich life that is consistent with who I really am.
In the last few years I had to lead a new life after severe separations, difficult career transitions and moving home. I had to face the feeling that I am not doing enough. That I am not enough That I didn't deserve to take up space. To see, to feel and to hear with all the mistakes that spread in all my strengths.
I know I owe it to myself to show up. I know I owe it to myself to be as present as I am. I know I owe it to myself to finally get out of the back curtains and be the center of attention where my heart can shine.
I deserve to take more space around others in my presence and to really be seen.
I deserve to have more space in my voice in a noisy world and to really be heard.
I deserve to take up more space in my heart and to attend to my needs first.
Because I know these things, I now try not to lower my voice when I want to speak so loudly that it hurts.
I'm not trying to apologize for taking the time to express to others how I feel when the person I should be welcoming is myself.
I try not to bottle my feelings because the longer I do, the longer it will be before I stop ignoring them.
After taking a moment to pause and breathe, I gently remind myself that I am enough. That I deserve to speak from the heart and be heard. That my thoughts, opinions and my voice are important.
Over time, I've come to realize the reasons why I lacked the confidence to take the space I deserved, and I've also figured out what to do to change.
7 reasons why I was afraid to take up space (and how I changed)
1. I lacked confidence in my communication and I used apologetic terms, which minimized my opinion.
I have often apologized in my interactions when I thought I had made a mistake or interrupted a conversation, for example.
Research shows that people think less of you when you apologize. I may have thought that I was showing myself to be a nice and caring person, but I actually sent the message saying I lack confidence.
"Sorry" is not the only word I had to pay attention to. These 25 limiting words diminished my testimony. For example, with the word "just" – when I'm "just wondering" or telling someone that it "only takes a minute".
It is not necessary to use minimizing words. My needs and opinions are just as important as those of others. “I gained more awareness and confidence by reversing the script and keeping my conversations firmer. I started saying phrases like "Thank you for pointing this out" or "Here, let me get out of the way" or "It will take a minute."
2. I found it unkind to say no even when something was not in line with my priorities.
By consciously saying no to one area, I confidently say yes to another more important area. I don't want to give my space away regardless of the actual cost. I have to protect my time as if it were my most valuable asset.
Saying no, however, is not a natural answer for many of us. We are often nervous about creating conflict with others and tend to value others' needs more than our own.
At least for me, I've learned to please others by being kind and helping those who ask. I tend to say yes because I want to be seen as caring, selfless, and generous. I didn't realize that the ability to say no is closely related to self-esteem.
How did I start saying no without feeling bad? I kept my answers simple and to the point. I learned to strengthen my delivery and not apologize too much.
Sometimes, when I give too many details, I get caught up in the why behind my decision to say no. I have learned that there is no need to analyze too much and that I have the right to say no as much as yes. I just have to remember that I am not saying no to the person, but rather no to the request. Also, I've learned not to take someone else's no personally. Sometimes their no means "no for now".
3. I did not know that my thoughts could contribute to a more intensive conversation.
Sometimes it was easier for me to stay quiet and hear the entire conversation without saying a word. I've learned that I have a seat at the table and with every word I speak, the more self-confidence I get.
I know that I have many valuable thoughts that could add a new perspective to the present conversation. Whether it's a work meeting or a meeting with friends, I make a conscious reminder not to withhold my voice.
The world benefits when we all find our voice. Whether it's promoting good ideas or discussing alternatives to bad ones, speaking we get the best results.
4. I struggled with being vulnerable because I was worried about what people thought of me.
Vulnerability means consciously not to hide your feelings and wishes from others.
Being vulnerable with others is scary and uncomfortable for me because it lets go of what people think of me. When I'm not afraid of what other people think, true trust grows.
Vulnerabilities bridge connections and help me build trust in the relationships I build. The vulnerability allows me to share personal stories that others can relate to. Vulnerabilities in security trigger conversations that enable me to move beyond fear to a place of shared experiences.
When you connect with others by being vulnerable – as opposed to overcompensating and trying to make everyone like you – some of the best interactions and relationships of your life are achieved.
5. I felt insecure to share my dreams and successes along with my mistakes and failures.
I had to get excited and proud to build trust in what I have achieved. Sometimes I have to be my own cheerleader to maintain the trust and agree to it.
By sharing my achievements, I hope to inspire others and guide them in a direction that will help them on their journey.
By sharing my mistakes, I accept the mistakes I made along the way. I built trust by using what I learned and continuing to strive for my dreams.
6. I was uncomfortable asking for help.
It is difficult to ask people for help. Like most people, I was taught to carry all the weight on my own. Be independent. Be self-sufficient. When you ask for help people might say no, but it doesn't hurt to just ask. Each question gives you confidence for the next.
Most people enjoy helping others by sharing their time, knowledge and experiences. I realized that I am in a village where others want to help me, which in turn helps the entire village.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Asking for help is uncomfortable because it's a behavior I wasn't used to. But it gives me the confidence to know that others are on the way to support my dreams and goals.
7. I didn't know how much I had to offer.
There were times when I thought I didn't have much to offer others, but now I know I do. I have a wealth of experiences that can help others live better and more confident lives. Whether it's how I conducted an interview or how I set up a fine-grained budget, there are people out there who are looking for my help.
When I started offering my knowledge to others, I was surprised how many people I started helping. By serving others, I have built trust that I have more to give than I realized. I am a wealth of knowledge and experience that can help others build their own trust.
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I've learned that my thoughts and needs are important – that I am important. That I can speak out without excuses, say no when I have to, share my successes and failures, ask for help when I need it, and make a real difference for other people. I just have to sit down because I know I deserve it, and the world is better off because of it.
About Kim Nguyen
Kim Nguyen is the author of In and Out of Love, a beautiful book of short love poems that ignites your soul and opens your heart to love. The poems encourage you to let go of the prison of self-doubt and embrace a possible future full of light, hope and love. She is dedicated and inspired to helping others live better lives, including strong reminders that you are enough.
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