“The Beauty of Truth; whether it is good or bad, it liberates. "~ Paulo Coelho
It is about the time of your mother's or father's birthday. You browse your local business cards and get more and more frustrated because you can't refer to any of the cards you've read. Finally, you pick the most general birthday card you can find and think, "Okay, I'm off hook until the next holiday."
Celebrations often pose many unresolved problems in families, even those that work best. We are reminded that the relationships we have with loved ones are not only not as we would like them to be, they are downright unfulfilled.
Sure, you can accept that your relationship with your family is not what you want. In fact, that's the healthiest way to look at it, but you still have to interact with them, and that just makes you feel exhausted.
Nobody can say that they had a perfect childhood. If someone asked a room of people if they grew up in a dysfunctional family, I would be the first to raise my hand.
Personalities collide from time to time; However, there is a certain way in which people feel when their parents love them in conditions. There is an excruciating prospect of something missing and always missing, a deep emptiness.
Unconditional love is when someone loves you without limits. They express their love to you whether you are successful or not. They don't hold it against you if you're going through a hard time. Your love is constant.
Conditional love is when someone expects perfection at all times and when you fail, he is extremely disappointed. They treat failures as character mistakes and have a hard time accepting mistakes. They don't really see you. They rarely build you up and tear you down instead.
The emotions associated with inconsistent parental love are similar to the feelings that can be felt during a loss. Deafness, anger, sadness and loneliness are common when you work towards acceptance. This is an important phase of healing after an emotionally lonely childhood. Over time, you will come to realize that you cannot change your parents and say goodbye to the relationship that will never be.
The conditional love of a parent is one of the reasons why so many people feel like they are never enough and long deeply for something more in life.
Not sure if your parents love you conditionally? Here are some signs to look out for.
1. You feel drained and depressed after seeing your parents.
An interaction from start to finish is not ideal in any way. However, if you feel completely exhausted after visiting your parents, consider your relationship with them more closely. Feeling tired after interacting with a parent is not the norm.
2. You never felt good enough as a child or even now as an adult.
You are fully aware of all of your positive qualities in your personal life and career. However, they feel like a failure. Nothing you do makes you feel successful.
3. Your parents rarely shone with pride at your accomplishments.
Your parents never really spoke of you with pride, although you may have heard that they boast about your brother, sister, or even acquaintances.
4. You downplay your achievements.
You are achieving a challenging personal goal. Someone asks you about it and before you can answer him or her, your parent talks about denying or downplaying your performance.
5. You openly reject others.
You turn up at a family event, and even if you and your parents seem to have good conditions, they avoid contacting you at all costs. You feel deeply hurt and confused and wonder what you did to avoid liking the plague.
6. You are afraid to express yourself or speak openly to your parents.
Your parents say something that seems insensitive. You are thrown off and want to address it, but you are afraid to express how you feel because you know it is not worth the agony. You feel they may flog, turn your tables, or deny your feelings.
7. You feel that you are not seeing the adult version of you.
No matter how much therapy you have gone through, how many self-help books you have read, how many successes you have achieved or how many people you meet in your adult life that make you feel that you are loved and accepted for who you are , you still feel defensive and attacked in the presence of your parents. You logically know your positive qualities, but around your parents you feel like the child who was trapped in a dysfunctional home and had little hope of escaping.
You may think that all of this sounds strikingly similar to the relationship you have with your parents. If so, it will be fine. You are not alone in this. Do you remember that I also raised my hand when dysfunctional families were raised earlier in the article?
It takes self-confidence, support, self-care and patience to heal. Recognizing only conditional love is not enough to relieve the pain. But there is something you can do to create a little relief when you feel these familiar feelings rise.
First, take a moment to close your eyes and take a deep breath to fill your stomach with air. Feel the tension in your body. Where do you keep it most – your belly, your chest, your jaw or your shoulders? Breathe and let go of each breath until your body feels completely relaxed.
Next, introduce yourself in a bright, beautiful forest or in an open meadow. You walk through the grass and come to an enchanted pond with a pink, golden light. You find a metal jug on the edge of the pond and pick it up. Then you dip the jug in the pond and collect the beautiful liquid.
You hold it against your body and pull deeply through your stomach again. Then you hold the jug to your nose and smell it, and it smells of the scent you love most – apples, peppermint, lavender, whatever it may be.
Now allow your heart to open slowly. It can take a little while. Even if your heart doesn't feel fully open, relax and pour this gorgeous liquid down into your chest area. Let it flow through your heart, your core. DEEP BREATH.
Your chest opens even more when you feel the space you are in. Let yourself be focused on the presence of your surroundings. Now just sit down for a moment. Take another deep breath and pull the presence back into your chest. Hold it for a moment and let it flow at your feet. Hold it and then drop it into the ground.
Open your eyes as soon as you are ready and feel how this visualization has created space for peace, acceptance and presence.
You are and will be fine.
Comfort yourself with the fact that over time, with the help of solid friendships, partners, self-care habits, support groups, trainers, or therapists, you will realize that your experience with your parents is less about you and more about the lack Love that they could have received as children.
Your pain is not yours and it was and is definitely not your fault. The best thing you can do is bring your experience into the changes that you are in control of. The thoughts you believe in, the people you want to be with and the self-care rituals you want to have.
Recognizing your pain is the start of healing. Many loving wishes.
About Kimberly Diaz-Rosso
Kimberly is an LMSW, certified life coach, and lifelong learner who lives in New York with her husband, son, and dog. She practices mindfulness daily and believes that meditation has greatly improved her life. Most often, you can see her enjoying time with her family, immersing herself in educational training, and connecting with others on her way to self-improvement. Visit her at kimberlyrosso.com.
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