"Talk to yourself like someone you love." ~ Brené Brown
This strange way of life lasted more than six months. Much is difficult, uncomfortable and painful – inside my home and outside the world.
I am tired, exhausted and very overwhelmed. I have two young children; My husband and I work full time and my home can often feel like a mess.
I have mediated fights between two young people about blood, and sometimes I say means words that I can't believe I could have said to a six year old. I know I could simplify a lot by sending the kids to a personal school or having childcare at home, but given the risk I am living in, I am not comfortable with either of these options.
As I write this, I realize how privileged I am to type these lines in the first place, and how much there is to be grateful for to enjoy this time in the face of the beauty, abundance and joy that remains .
Maybe that's life. Always. Grief and sadness coexist. Often sense comes with pain. And our tears can be a catalyst for change – in our inner and outer world.
* Children.
One night as I was pondering the beauty of this season, I realized that one of the most cherished gifts was the depth and intimacy in my relationship with myself. I find that this relationship has strengthened in a very powerful and loving way. Despite the mess in my life, I can love myself more deeply than ever.
While I feel so burned out in some ways, in other ways I've found more space to get to know myself in a rich and deeper way. In the midst of the chaos and uncertainty, I find more courage to sit with my great feelings, work through them and choose love again, even when love feels heavy.
I find it a little easier to forgive myself when feelings of guilt and shame knock on my door uninvited, and I learn to love myself next to the bruises and wounds that are part of my being and to accept this mess and imperfect parts of me .
I am more aware of the hard-to-love parts of myself and the limiting stories I can make about myself – my highly sensitive personality, my impulsive behavior towards my husband, and moments of low self-confidence at work. I was able to better process my relationship and attachment to money, my professional identity, and the limiting assumptions about what it means to be successful.
While I was processing this, I paused and wondered what will help me become best friends with myself this season, and that's what came out for me. If you also want to use this time to deepen your connection with yourself, some of it may be helpful to you.
1. Make space for grief.
There are so many difficult things going on in our world right now – the insecurity, the deaths and suffering, the racial injustice, the political chaos, the climate change and so on. And then personally I miss so much about my previous life and I know some of it will never be the same.
I had an entire village that helped me raise my children – friends, family, carers, school, after-school activities, etc. and literally overnight that were taken away from me.
I learn every day to give myself space and permission to feel this pain. It's not about wallowing and whining, but about feeling yourself in a way that feels whole and healthy. It means allowing the tears to flow down when necessary so that meaning can arise at the other end.
2. Enjoy what is here.
And yet there is joy and beauty in the now in small and large ways – in the resilience and generosity of so many people on the planet, in the love and empathy that come to the fore, and in reality how much real people are need physical connection.
In my own home, I enjoy reading with the kids in the mornings, sleeping longer and cuddling up and being part of their learning and growth that wasn't available earlier on our schedules. I wanted to train as a coach for over a decade and I'm finally in training and couldn't have found anything more useful this season.
Instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what you can do now that normal life has been turned upside down. Know it, appreciate it and let yourself enjoy it.
3. Dreams for what is possible.
I am learning to give myself permission to feel deeply – both the joy and the sadness in every moment. This has given me the courage to dive deeper into what I want, what makes me alive, and what my future holds.
As I am rebuilding the canvas of my own post-pandemic life, I wonder what colors and textures I would like to have on my painting. What did not serve me does not have to be brought back. Which layers can I store and which new contours should I invite?
How would you answer these questions?
4. Select conversations carefully.
The voices that we hear outside of us become voices in our head, and at this interesting time when I (strangely) have more control over which social engagement I say yes to or to which Co-workers I'm casual when I connect with, I find more capacity to decide which conversations to have. With so much of my world being lonely, the books and podcasts I study have a bigger impact on who I become.
Take stock of who and what you are occupied with. Does it fill you up or does it empty you? Do your external influences hold you tight or do they support you in becoming the person you want to be?
5. Prioritize your relationship with yourself.
After all, a coach and targeted interactions in order to better understand myself means that I have my own space and structure to invest in my relationship with myself. When pain occurs, I feel better equipped to make room for my pain. I prioritize alone time, write, hike, make art and read, although it is often imperfect and often interrupted by the children. It is this practice of choosing myself that will help me better serve those I want to serve.
How would it be if you prioritized your relationship with yourself? What activities would nourish you and how can you create time and space for them?
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If you find your own way in these surreal times, I hope that you will get to know each other better and love and accept each other with a bigger heart. Love in the world begins with love for yourself. With so much else being stolen from us at this point, your own breath and mind and your connection to yourself is a gift that is always available to you.
About Neha Mandhani
Neha Mandhani is a leadership trainer for parents who wish to give birth to their callings. She firmly believes in kindness, empathy, and compassion as our most effective leadership tools to bring about change in ourselves and in the world. She loves hiking, reading, and cooking, and meaningful connections are one of her greatest sources of joy. You can find out more about them on their website or on Instagram.
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