"Mind what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." ~ Lao Tzu
We carefully select what we wear in the gym to ensure that we look good in the eyes of the other athletes.
After meetings that went through everything we said (or didn't say), we got beaten up and feared that employees might think we weren't smart or talented enough.
We only publish the best picture of the 27 selfies we took and add a flattering filter to get most likes to prove to ourselves that we are pretty and personable.
We live in the minds of other people.
And all it does is we judge ourselves harder. It makes us uncomfortable in our own bodies. We feel excused to be ourselves. It makes us live according to other people's perceptions.
We feel fake. Scared. Judgmental. Not good enough. Not likeable enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough.
F das sh * t.
The truth is that other people's opinions are none of our business. Their opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their past, their judgments, their expectations, their likes and dislikes.
I could stand in front of twenty strangers and speak on any subject. Some of them will hate what I wear, others will love it. Some will think I'm an idiot and others will love what I have to say. Some will forget me as soon as they leave, others will remember me for years.
Some will hate me because I remind them of their annoying sister-in-law. Others will feel sorry for me because I remind them of their daughter. Some will understand what I have to say, others will misinterpret my words.
Each of them will get exactly the same from me. I will do my best and be the best that I can be at this moment. But their opinions about me will be different. And that has nothing to do with me and everything that has to do with them.
No matter what I do, some people will never like me. No matter what I do, some people will always like me. In any case, it has nothing to do with me. And it's none of my business.
Okay, "that's all well and good", you might think. "But how can I stop worrying about what others think about me?"
1. Know your values.
If you know your highest basic values, you have a bright flashlight to get through the forest. A dim light may still take you where you need to go, but you will be more stumbled or misled.
A brighter light makes the decisions you make – left or right, up or down, yes or no – clearer and easier to make.
For years I had no idea what I really valued and felt lost in life. I never felt safe in my decisions and questioned everything I said and did.
Working with basic values on myself has greatly influenced my life. I realized that "compassion" is my top core value. Now that I'm questioning my career choices because I'm worried about disappointing my parents (a big trigger for me), I remember that “compassion” also means “self-compassion,” and I am able to express myself narrow yourself limp.
If you value courage and endurance and show up in the gym, even though you are nervous and have “lame” fitness clothing, you don't have to worry about what the other athletes are doing about you.
If you value inner peace and have to reject someone who asks for your time and your plate is already full, you can do so without feeling that you judge you as a selfish person.
If you value authenticity and share your opinion in a crowd, you can do so with confidence and know that you live your values and you are yourself.
Know your basic values and what you value most. Your flashlight will be brighter for that.
2. Know to stay in your own business.
Another way to stop worrying about what other people think is to understand that there are three types of business in the world. This is a lesson that I learned from Byron Katie and that I love.
The first is God's thing. If the word "God" is not what you want, you can use another word that suits you, such as the universe or "nature". I think I like "nature" better, so I use it.
The weather concerns nature. Who dies and who is born is a matter of nature. The body and genes that have been given to you are a matter of nature. You have no place in nature's business. You cannot control it.
The second type of business is other people's business. What they do is up to them. What your neighbor thinks of you is his business. When your employee comes to work is up to her. If the driver does not drive in the other car when the traffic lights are green, it is his business.
The third type of business is your business.
If you are annoyed with the other driver because you now have to wait at another red light, it is your business.
If you get annoyed because your employee is late again, it's your business.
If you are concerned about what your neighbor thinks of you, it is your business.
What you think is your business. What you think (and feel) is up to you.
Who do you deal with when you are thinking about what you are wearing? Whose business are you in when you think about how your joke was received at the party?
You only have one business to deal with – yours. What you think and what you do are the only things you can control in life. That was it.
3. Know that you have full ownership of your feelings.
If we base our feelings on other people's opinions, we allow them to control our lives. We basically allow them to be our puppet master, and when they pull the strings just right, we feel either good or bad.
When someone ignores you, you feel bad. You may think, "She made me feel that way by ignoring me". But the truth is, she has no control over how you feel.
She ignored you and you made sense of this action. For you, that meant you weren't worth your time or not likeable enough, smart enough, or cool enough.
Then you felt sad or crazy about the meaning you applied. You had an emotional reaction to your own thinking.
When we leave our feelings to others, we give up control over our feelings. The fact is that only you can hurt your feelings.
To change how you feel through the actions of others, you only have to change one thought. This step sometimes takes a bit of work because our thoughts are usually automatic or even subconscious. It may take some time to figure out what is causing your emotions.
But once you do, challenge it, question it, or accept it. Your feelings will follow.
4. Know that you are doing your best.
One of the annoying things my mother would say (and still says) when growing up is, "You did the best you could at the time."
I hated this saying.
I had high expectations of myself and always thought I could have done better. So if I didn't meet those expectations, my inner tyrant would come out and get ready.
How much time in your life did you kick yourself because you thought you said something stupid? Or because you showed up late? Or that you look funny?
You did the best you could every time. Each. Single. Time.
This is because everything we do has a positive intention. It may not be obvious, but it is there.
While I am writing this post in a tea shop in Portland, Maine, another user went to the counter and asked what kinds of tea he could mix with his smoky Lapsang Souchong tea (one of my favorites). ,
He didn't ask me, but I agreed that Chaga mushroom might taste good because of its earthy taste. The unsolicited advice didn't seem to impress him and he turned back to the counter.
The old I would have taken this answer to heart and felt terrible for the rest of the afternoon if I had thought about how this guy thought I was a fool and annoyed that I had jumped into the conversation unwanted.
But let's look at what I had at that moment:
I had an urge to be helpful and a core value for kindness and compassion
I was interested in the conversation
I had the impression that my feedback was well received
I wanted to get in touch with a new person out of a common interest
I did my best with what I had.
Because I know that, I don't regret it. I also know that his opinion about me is not my thing and I lived in line with my values and tried to be helpful!
But I could also see from a different perspective how it was felt to be rude when I pulled myself into a conversation and presented my ideas to someone who did not ask for it. And rudeness contradicts my core value of compassion.
This leads me to the next lesson.
5. Know that everyone makes mistakes.
We live in a culture where we don't often talk about how we feel. It turns out that we all have the same feelings and make mistakes. Go figure!
Even if you live in accordance with your values, even if you stay in your own business, even if you do your best, you will make mistakes. Without question.
So what? We all do that. We all have. Having compassion for yourself becomes easier when you understand that everyone felt that way. Everyone went through it.
The only thing you can do with your mistakes is to learn from them. Once you've figured out the lesson you can learn from the experience, rumination is not necessary at all and it is time to move on.
In the event of the debacle between the tea patron and the interjection I could have read his body language better and noticed that he wanted to contact the tea sommelier and not an accidental stranger.
Lesson learned. Self-bullying is not required.
I accidentally caused a company-wide disruption at my last company. A friend and employee of mine who had been with the company for a few years asked to get a better parking space. One was available when someone left the company, but was still ignored.
He is such a nice guy, and since my department was full of sarcastic, I found it funny to write a petition filled with puns for him to find the better place.
I had no idea that some people would take it so badly. It climbed the chain of command and looked as if our department was full of priceless, needy whimpers.
And our boss thought it looked like I had used my position to force people to sign. He brought the whole department together and painfully and uncomfortably called out the whole terrible situation, demanding that it never happen again.
I. War. FIXED.
He didn't call me, but most people knew I created it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
But here is what I did:
I remembered my values. I appreciate compassion and humor. I thought I was doing a nice but funny story for a friend.
When I was worried about what other people would think about me now, I told myself that if they thought badly of me (which I had no evidence of), all I could do was continue to be my best self.
When the flashbacks of that horrible meeting came to mind and my face flushed with heat and shame, I remembered taking responsibility for how I felt and not letting the memory of the event or what other people think meant how i feel now.
I remembered doing my best with what I had then. I had a desire to help a friend and an idea that I thought was funny and that I thought would be well received.
I realized that I had made a mistake. The lesson I learned was to be more considerate of how others can maintain my sense of humor. Not everyone finds me as funny as my husband. I can make better decisions now.
And after a short time the whole incident was forgotten.
Stop worrying about what other people think. It will change your life.
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About Sandy Woznicki
Sandy is a stress and anxiety trainer and a mindfulness meditation teacher who helps women who do not feel good enough within themselves and who are overwhelmed by stress or anxiety , Her coaching and free resources such as the Stress Detox course help women live more fully and freely. She is happily married to her silly husband and loves to get in touch with nature in beautiful Maine.
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