“ Every sixth man is sexually assaulted at some point in his life. It doesn't and shouldn't make us weak or less manly. Rather, as men, we should encourage other men to speak up, be courageous, share this burden with others, and participate in therapy and take medication. There is such a thing as healthy masculinity, and we can find it in our fellow human beings when we comfort those who are having a hard time. Seeking healthy help, wanting to get better, practicing empathy and compassion, and taking care of one another are ways to practice healthy masculinity. “~ Anonymous
Why are men less supported than female survivors of sexual assault? Regardless of a person's gender or sexual orientation, all survivors deserve love and support.
In 2013 I became an activist for sexual assault survivors. I lived in New York City and my method of getting the message across was chalk art. To win my vote back after the NYPD dismissed my sexual assault case, I walked all over Brooklyn and Manhattan scribbling chalk art messages of consent.
Since then I have made thousands of chalk drawings all over the world, from Europe to South Africa. Using art as a tool of activism has been a hugely powerful way of reaching millions with an important message: it is time to replace the current rape culture we live in with a culture of consent.
It is common knowledge that it is impossible to rape a man. Male survivors who speak up often get the answer, "How can a boy be raped?" The answer is, if he does not give consent, it is rape.
It does not matter whether the rapist was male, female or a different gender identity. If he refuses, it's rape. Any person of any gender can be raped.
Imagine how difficult it is for a woman to speak up and report a rape. That difficulty is doubled for men because the patriarchal concept that "men cannot be raped" ruins any hope for male survivors to get the support they deserve. This concept completely rejects the real world experiences of millions of men who have actually been sexually assaulted.
For fear of not being believed, one can assume that millions of men hide in silence. Very few heal or recover from the stigma of male rape.
Men's stories are important. Healing for men is just as important as healing for others. When men heal, the whole world heals because the world is still ruled by men.
Suicide rates are often higher among men because so many of them cannot express their feelings because of the patriarchal concept that crying is a sign of weakness, especially among men.
When a man sees crying, he is often told to "man up". Fearful of being labeled weak, men hold tears in instead of letting them go.
To shame men and boys before crying is a mental torture for those who really want to express themselves. Men who have been raped should be lifted up in their healing as they see fit. If your healing involves shedding a tear for all the pain you have endured, it is your right to do so.
Here are thirty-nine uplifting messages for male rape survivors.
1. Your pain is valid.
2. The person who did this to you is the only person to blame, not you.
3. You are no less a man because you have been sexually assaulted.
4. Being a survivor doesn't define who you are as a man.
5. A survivor is anything but weak.
6. Don't be afraid to talk about it.
7. Never blame yourself.
8. Things are getting better.
9. You are so incredibly strong.
10. I'm proud of you!
11. You are not alone.
12. What you are going through is temporary.
13. You are loved.
14. One day you will see the light and be happy again, I promise!
15. You have many people who believe you and support you.
16. You are worthy of love and respect.
17. You don't have to be ashamed.
18. It will help to discuss it with someone you trust.
19. You will be heard.
20. They are valid.
21. You don't always have to be strong.
22. It's okay to cry.
23. You can express your feelings safely.
24. Some days may be better than others, but you will make it.
25. You will grow and survive this present pain.
26. We support you.
27. Even if you had an erection, you didn't "ask for it".
28. Even if you had an orgasm, if you didn't want it, it was rape.
29. We salute you and your courage.
30. Feel the pain instead of numbing it.
31. You have to feel it in order to heal it.
32. You are still male and I adore you.
33. Tears are a sign of strength.
34. Another person's illness is not your burden to bear.
35. Being a victim is difficult, but in time you will heal.
36. There are people out there who love you and are willing to listen to you (including me).
37. Stay alive. There is so much to live.
38. You are brave to admit what happened.
39. We're in it together.
The idea that men cannot be raped is perpetuated by the false belief that all men want sex at any hour of the day. While doing #StopRapeEducate chalk art in Union Square in New York City one day, a young Afro-Latin American couple stopped to read the message I wrote, "Rape has no gender."
The girl looked confused and asked me what it meant. I told her that it means that anyone can be raped, whether they are a man or a woman.
She burst out laughing and said, “A guy…. hahaha … get raped ?! Ha! How is that even possible? Shit I'm sure they'd love this. This is every man's dream. "
I gave her the straight emoji look and said, "Actually, that's not true. Men who are raped are just as traumatized as female victims. I've met tons of men who have been raped. This is a serious problem . "She straightened up quickly.
Men are free to decide whether they want to have sex or not. When you are someone who dates men, it is important to accept that the men in your life may not always be in the mood to do so, and that's fine.
Before I understood this, I remember putting pressure on myself in my younger years to be available for sex with men. I would go so far as to pounce on them and think that is what they wanted. I'd seen it a million times in movies as a way women initiate sex: don't ask questions, just fall.
A friend of mine I met once told me that he was tired of my sexual advances. I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself for being caught up in stereotypes about male sexuality that I gave myself to someone who wasn't interested in me.
That is why sex education is so important. It is unacceptable for us to learn sex from movies, television, and porn.
The reality is that men and boys are not sex machines. Nobody is. It's always okay to say no to sex, and it's never acceptable to assume that someone wants to do it.
In order to create a safer, more loving world for all of us, we should respect and support male survivors of sexual assault, rather than reinforcing the toxic masculinity rooted in the rape culture.
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