"Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." ~ J.K. Rowling
I'm no stranger to feeling hopeless and defeated. After many failed relationships, physical, sexual and emotional abuse in my entire life, two bankruptcies, and the most recent loss of my online business (October 2020), it could be said that I have been through enough to survive two lives.
I admit, I often wanted everything to end. There were many days when I just didn't know how much more I could handle. My latest loss devastated me beyond words. Everything I've worked so hard for over the past three years has been completely wiped out. I am deaf and feel defeated almost every day.
At fifty-eight I am not interested in a new beginning, but I have no choice. I know what to expect. I've been here before. It's ugly, messy, frustrating, stressful, and exhausting. Every day I wake up, I don't really feel like going to the computer to work.
To be honest, I don't feel like doing anything, I lie in bed and cry. I go through serious waves of fear all day. They beat me quickly, hard, and without warning. I want to vomit. I want to curl up in a ball and die. I want someone to tell me that this is all a bad dream and that things will get back to normal tomorrow.
None of this happens. And I force myself to go to work and start a new day.
Your struggles and pains are real
Pain is pain, chaos is chaos. No matter what it looks like to you. Never let anyone tell you that your feelings are ridiculous. Never think that you are overreacting. What your feeling is real and you have to honor your feelings, feel all feelings. Just don't stay there. The longer you stay down, the harder it is to get up again.
Here are ten things to do when you feel defeated, hopeless, helpless, and sad – all things that have helped me that I hope will help you too.
1. Scream your eyes out.
Too many of us hold back our tears because we think this is a sign of weakness. It is absolutely not and it is almost mandatory to get those tears out. Go back to the last time you had a good shouting festival and try to remember how you felt afterward. I suspect you felt like a ton of stones had just been lifted off your shoulders.
Crying is very therapeutic. Do it. As often as you have to. Scream and cry into a pillow if all you have to do is get those tears out.
2. Call a friend.
While this sounds almost too easy, most don't even think about it, either because they don't want to burden their friends or because they are too stuck in their problems to think about anything else.
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Pick someone who you absolutely love to talk to and just have a chat with your cute little face. You can talk about your problem when you think it will help, or you can use this as an opportunity to take your mind off things. Just talk!! About everything, everything, stupid things and nothing.
I remember the day my business collapsed and I was so angry and upset, but also embarrassed because I didn't want anyone to know what happened to me and that my business was gone. After a week, I decided to call one of my dear friends and he was not only great at comforting me, but he was also assuring me that everything would be fine. It was a relief to have this confirmation from a friend.
Sometimes we have to hear words of comfort!
3rd volunteer.
I'll tell everyone that. If you're sad, volunteer. Like right now. You can't even imagine the power of helping someone or something (aka furry animals) in need. Your heart fills up and then explodes, you cry happy tears and honestly it just gives you so much joy.
Find an organization that resonates with you and give them a call. Spend an hour there a week. This will soon be your happy place and something to look forward to every week.
4. Write yourself a love letter.
I'll be honest, I haven't written in a while, but I think it's time.
A love letter to yourself is so powerful and therapeutic. In this letter you tell yourself all the amazing and great things about yourself. They list all of the reasons why you shouldn't feel like a loser. You're telling yourself to brush your bum and get back up.
You can go on and on about how wonderfully amazing you are. Write down all of the things you love about yourself and all of your radiant and redeeming qualities.
Before you say, "Oh, I don't love anything about me," stop right there.
Now look in the mirror. I bet you have the prettiest eyes and cutest smile ever. Or maybe you are a lively, determined person. Or maybe you have a heart of gold! I bet there are a million great things about you. Find them and write about them.
5. Make loud music and sing and dance.
Oh yes. Pick the loudest, thrashiest music you have (and love) and turn up the stereo. Or maybe you love country or jazz or whatever! Turn it up and tear the button off. Dance, sing, jump around your house like a stupid fool.
Sometimes when I feel down I make the saddest music with the toughest lyrics, sing loudly, scream my heart out and remarkably, I feel a million times better afterwards !!
Let go of all your worries and needs in your favorite music and lose them. You'll feel great, you'll even work out a little, and your adrenaline will get pumped up a bit, so you might even feel unstoppable! You go!
6. Go for a walk.
Another simple thing that we often overlook. For many of us, when we are really sad, we don't want to get dressed and go out. We want to stay inside and cry and eat junk food (more on that later), but you can't stay there forever.
You have to free yourself from your dark place. You have to take action (excuse the pun) to move forward and be happy again.
Put your shoes on and go out. You never know who you will meet or what super cool things can happen to you. Be open to surprises and chance meetings. Or maybe you just find and see little things that put a smile on your face.
7. Watch funny movies and eat junk food.
Yes, I said it. Eat junk food, also known as comfort food. They call it comfort eating for a reason. Because that's exactly what it does. And yes, I understand that we might have a sore stomach in the morning, depending on how much comfort food you consumed the night before, but chocolate and fries and donuts and cakes are really good for the soul.
A little word of caution here: only do this when you can enjoy food and are not thoughtlessly interested in numbing your emotions, and please do not make this a daily habit. We all know that junk food is bad for us. It's a nice quick fix on a really sad day, but not something you should be doing all the time. Remember, life is all about balance too. That includes your eating habits.
So find your favorite films – I usually go for funny or super action thrillers – and get lost in them. Forget your worries and sorrows, if only for about two hours, and let yourself be pampered a little.
8. Write a truth letter.
Yes, I love to write letters. It's the best therapy out there, I swear! Much like a love letter to yourself, a truth letter is a letter that you write to someone or something that causes you distress and grief.
Here you can write down all your anger, all your pain; Any damn emotion you feel about that person / thing get it all out! I know some people who have written truth letters that were thirty pages long. You write until you can no longer write!
You can do this every time you have hateful or angry thoughts about this person or thing. After all, the thoughts don't come up that often anymore.
9. Set a timer.
We already know that we cannot stay too long in this sad dark place, otherwise it will consume us. After a few weeks of feeling this way, set a timer for fifteen minutes twice a day. During this time slot, feel angry, sad, cry, scream, or do whatever else you need to do, but when the timer runs out, try to calm down and shift your attention elsewhere – to your work, a hobby, helping a friend, anything but your own problems.
Negative thoughts arise outside of your time window. But remember, you can choose whether to engage with them or not. You always have a choice to let your thoughts slip away without getting caught up in your mental stories. It's up to you.
Yes, it is difficult to do, but the benefit is that you give yourself time to grieve without your grief consuming you completely and dominating your days.
10. Have a nice day.
Even if you can't hold out all day, take at least a few hours to indulge yourself. Get a manicure or pedicure, or do one for yourself at home. Get your hair done, go on a date. Do something that you enjoy, something that puts you in a state of flux.
Whatever you do, do it in honor of yourself and how amazing you are. Take the time to love yourself, hard as that may be, and just be with you and only you.
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As I go through my difficult time, I keep telling myself that this is only temporary, I will be fine and keep the faith. I think in the end everything always works the way it should, whether we understand it or not, and that brings me comfort.
But don't deny your feelings.
I think the most important thing to remember is to honor and feel your feelings, but you cannot stay there. It is important to take steps to get back to your "normal" state, however that looks to you, or to accept that it is time to get back to normal.
Baby steps are better than no steps at all. Do a little thing or two every day and before you know it you'll smile and feel better again.
You got that, baby!
About Iva Ursano
Iva is a retired hairdresser who lives as a freelance writer from Northern Ontario, Canada, in sunny Guatemala for a life of freedom, peace and joy. Her two main goals in life are to inspire people all over the world with her blogs and to feed hungry little bellies in the poor town that now calls her home. She has a mini-series of self-help eBooks that you can read here or check out her website for more inspiration and sign up for her weekly motivational and inspirational newsletters.
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