Have you ever stared at a huge to-do list or a crowded calendar and thought: How did it come about?
How did I come to feel depressed by the weight of various obligations? All of this stuff is good then why am I overwhelmed and ready to end it all?
If that's what you're feeling right now, I get it. I've felt this way all along.
I've spent years trapped in the tyranny of good things.
So what exactly has changed? Am I a special unicorn, immune to the pressures of modern life?
No chance. As I type, my desk is littered with sticky notes reminding me to order this, book this, don't forget! Also, I look at a long digital list of tasks that seriously need to be organized and prioritized.
In other words, I am like you. I have not tied my life perfectly in an arc. And yet I'm not stressed right now. When I look at the lists, I don't feel the old fear rise and cling to my neck.
Why not? Because today I chose exercise and physical therapy first instead of putting them off until all my other chores were done.
Exercise and PT are essential for me this season. And I've found that I get frustrated when I don't make room for them, no matter how many other "good" things I do in a day.
While most of the items on my lists are good, very few are essential.
Here I have to take my hat off to writer and speaker Greg McKeown, whose book Essentialism introduced me to this concept.
In this book he makes a brilliant statement that I will rewrite here:
Often the choice is not between good and bad, but between good and essential .
Does that resonate with you? It sure does for me.
My daily struggle is not: "Should I rob a bank or save a kitten?" It's more like: "Do I answer every email in my inbox or do I write a new letter?" "Am I going to work out and doing PT or am I answering that surprising phone call from a good friend?"
When I work with coaching clients and look back on my own life, I see that it is usually the “good versus essential” decisions that bother us. If we don't distinguish between the two, our lives will be filled with good things, but we will essentially go bankrupt.
We help others, but we don't sleep.
We say yes to invitations, but we don't create quiet time to reflect.
We do volunteer work for charity, but we shed our creativity.
And then we ask ourselves why we are anxious and tired and discouraged! It's not because there's something wrong with us. It's just because we are missing some essential things.
Many things are good, but only a few things are essential.
Distinguishing the good from the ESSENTIAL
But how do you distinguish the good from the essential? How do you make this crucial difference? There is a simple five word frame that has helped me a lot lately.
As I wrote in my new book, you don't owe anyone anything:
*
Should I say yes to this invitation or should I stay at home? Should i read or watch tv? Should I stretch out or sit in silence? Go where life is.
These five words give me the permission to open up what feels like life to me at any point in time. When I share this phrase with coaching clients, they often use it immediately and with great effect. It helps us all move from pro / con lists and mental analysis to trusting intuition. It gives us the freedom to get straight to the point.
But have you ever had a hard time seeing things so simply and clearly?
"Go where life is" only works when you give yourself permission to feel how you actually feel instead of how you should "feel". If you are feeling very anxious, chances are that you are feeling trapped between your true feelings and your sanctioned roles. If you play table tennis between them, your fear will increase. "
1 question about revolutionizing your life
I know the following …
The way out of fear is not to push on, to do more and to ignore your true feelings. Rather, the way out is to question the premise that holds you on.
Question the thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes that tell you that it is not okay to know what you know and to feel what you are feeling.
Here is the wonderful truth: deep down you already know the difference between good and essential.
The question is:
Will you devote yourself to discovering the things you already know?
And will you dare to live accordingly?
